Spindrift

Pop culture

2012-02-15T11:29:00.001+11:00

I have always felt that I was broken.

I know that is why I turned my life upside down so often.

Whenever my life was manageable I would find a way to derail it because of this brokeness I felt.

It would only be once the embers of the fire I had created in my life were left smouldering I would see that yellow flower, just a small flower in the rubble of the fire left, growing.

I had this uncanny knack to pull myself together when I needed to.

Of course, how low was that, was a question. I guess I had my limits, although for quite a while I didn't really know what that was. Homeless, jail, addiction.

I never really hit my low point. I had years of feeling worthless. I drank and took drugs alone for years and years. I isolated myself. I became homeless, drifted, was unemployed. I didn't care as long as I could get high.

But all the time I had my yellow flower when all seemed lost.
I saw many around me that couldn't rely on themselves so well and fell into their addictions worse, or had to run from the law, or whose life took a massive detour in other directions.

I always wanted to not get that lost that I couldn't find my way back to me.

However, I have always felt like I was broken.

It was a huge relief then, that after a year of being sober, I felt I couldn't handle it. I felt that pent up within myself I felt like I just needed something to get a release. I remember commenting, what do people do without drugs and alcohol. I really didn't see a way out. I didn't feel like I was ready for long periods of meditation, and I didn't feel like exercise was the answer either.

When I started taking anti-depressants there was the initial fear of taking another drug, but I realise now that I am proud of taking a drug to help me through. In a way, this is yet more proof that I am broken. I have come a long way within me to how I want to feel as a person, but the pill shows me still, I am not right.

This style of thinking is wierd to me also, and I'm not sure how it works without the benefit of hindsight. I wouldn't have wanted my like to be so involved in drugs given the choice. I would have wanted to feel as I do now without this assistance. But from a young age, the first time I got high after breaking my leg, when I was younger and experienced morphine for the first time, I liked it a little bit too much.

I can now say that after 26 years of drug taking of one form or the other, that I am truly blessed that the government has made pills that have enabled me to get my life on track without the nasty buzziness of getting high blurring the affects of the underlying calm that they bring.

Careers Counseling

2012-02-14T11:19:00.001+11:00

So I went to careers to have a chat with someone. He bounded toward me, a man of roughly my age, and introduced himself. His energy level was higher than I expected it took me off guard. He showed me to his office and I took a seat.

He asks me as one of his very first questions, 'what is the ideal career I can imagine myself in' I stumbled an 'I don't know' answer onto the floor. He said 'you better think about this now, because you need to have an answer to this question'. I felt under pressure at this point to say something, but before I could he says to me, 'what do you think is fun'

'Fun', I think, what does fun have to do with this. I have social anxiety, I'm going to be lucky to get a job, let alone find a career that I like, and then from the depths of inside came an answer.

'Anthropology is fun'

I didn't say this though, I scrambled my answer together, the one I had rehearsed. 'Information management' I said, 'I'm going to study to be a librarian'. 'But is that fun', he asked me again. I then told him my plans about getting this qualification and traveling to the UK, possibly Japan, having a qualification so that I could find work and then risk a bit more after that. Possibly look at social work, or counseling then, to work with refugees.

All valid points he said, and we talked about social work, over counseling for this kind of work, and he kind of made faces when I was talking about my reasons to study counseling. The meeting wrapped up and I left with heaps of information. He gave me his card and said come back anytime, which I might.

I walked in thinking librarian, I walked out thinking anthropologist.

I'm going to need some good grades this year to keep options open for post-grad, me thinks.

Hhmmmm.......

*

I ran 15.1 kilometers yesterday in 2 separate one hour sessions. 250.6 kilometers in 34 days over 35 hours at an average of 7.16 kilometers an hour. That time is starting to creep up. I also know that different treadmills read these times slightly different depending on how they are calibrated, that kind of thing. But none the less, these are good numbers I feel.

I think initially, for the first 28 days, I was turning fat into muscle. I think now, I'm beginning to burn fat. My weight was a little down today, although my physique is looking well improved, and I would be thinking if I looked this healthy, I would weigh less, so I think I have gained muscle.

This has been an interesting study for myself this holidays though, that's for sure.

Mid life apathy crisis

2012-02-13T10:42:00.001+11:00

I don't think I feel this exactly, well, yes I do. I think I feel this. It has become my favourite buzz word combination this year so far. Sometimes my mind gets stuck on a word, or a series of words. What is it that I'm trying to achieve, I mean really achieve, not just fill in time, saving, being safe.

I know that's the short term goal, but I don't want to be that self-indulgent. I want my life to go in a different direction. I don't want to keep my options open either. I want to commit my life to something, I just haven't found what that is yet.

The monks self-immolting in Tibet has / is causing me some heart ache. There is some shocking images and footage. This first photo is from Vietnam years ago, but is probably the most famous self-immolation. There has been about 20 monks in Tibet recently to have performed this act of desperation.

This is a recent news broadcast. The Chinese government has completely locked down areas where this is happening and controlled the media reports that can be released from the area. The Chinese government has led the Chinese people to believe that the monks have to be stopped, are wrong, are terrorists. The monks just want their cultural rights and the places they pray, how they pray, where they pray and perform their Buddhism to remain intact. They want their freedoms. The Chinese government sees this as a mutiny on behalf of its government that has been trying to break Tibet apart for the last 6 decades.

And I worry about this and that. I really have to do something about this. There is a storm in my head, I wish I could find that 'work around' I think there should be for it.

Pink Floyd

2012-02-12T16:25:00.001+11:00

I went and saw Roger Waters last night which was unbelievable. It was as if I were at a Pink Floyd concert. Not that I have ever been to one, but there were so many different elements to it, I was aghast. It was unlike any concert I have ever been to before. It was more like a rock opera.

*

I am still running daily. I have now run 228.1 kilometers in the last 32 days. That is a tad over 7.1 kilometers an hour over 32 hours. As well as that I have played 2 games of indoor soccer and a game of tennis. The results have been not so significant so far. My legs are stronger, and my chest breaths easier. My endurance has increased, and my recovery is shorter. I haven't lost much weight, but my stomach has flattened out more and my legs feel stronger. I think the results are too early to measure, but there has been some changes in this short time.

*

Itchy goes up to 20 mg of anti-depressant on Monday, she is on 10 mg at the moment, but I still think she needs more, the GP thinks so also. Anyway, she is going to try 20 mg before she goes back to uni and we'll see how she goes. She has agreed to get a tutor so that should help also. Itchy managed to get enough recognised prior learning exemptions so that after she completes, 1 first year subject, 1 second year subject, and 1 third year subject, she will be more than half way through her degree after first semester... Amazing...

It has really paid dividends in a strange twist of fate, that the subjects she has done already, somehow match perfectly with the biotechnology degree she is doing at her latest uni. Her fifth change of course in the last couple of years. Wow...

*

So, it is all gearing up for uni, here. I have been in an odd mood recently, nothing bad, the drugs seem to mess with that a bit, but I am having some sort of internal crisis. It's hard to explain because my life is good, you know. I am pretty much doing everything at the moment I could be doing. I'm happily married, living in a great house, in a good area, going to a great uni, studying what I want, not worried about my health or finances.

Maybe it's the connections I have made. I have terrific friends, but something is missing. I think that I don't get to talk about matters of the heart or something. I think quite often, I just feel like I don't want to go out, or I do want to go out, but I don't like being overly social, but I do like being social, but only if there is a hint of understanding, that many moments in life just don't ever mean more to you than the life you want or the feelings you want. I think I doubt sometimes I am actually in the right life, but when I try to imagine a life outside of mine, it is usually a life like my last one which is filled with addiction, so that's no good either.

There is just a heaviness that I have sometimes, like that saying goes, as good as it gets, but it's more than that. It's that I want acknowledgement that I could have had the best days in my life, or that no matter how good my life is in the future, monks will still be burning themselves. The victories in life I think are always tainted with the darkness of loss that others feel in such depth that compared to my unremarkable existence, I may as well resolve myself the hugeness and the futility of living my life.

I'm sure there is a 'work around' for this problem...

Like a cold bath...

2012-02-05T13:22:00.001+11:00

This is the ceremony we held for Itchy's mum, as we didn't go back to Japan, because of the fortune, and so forth. It cost $750 for more than 2 hours, for 3 Tibetan monks to perform the ceremony. They read, chanted, lit fire, threw sand, banged drums, rang bells.

They were Tibetan, but it was similar to Japanese Buddhism, that I could tell. He said afterwards words to the effect that Buddhism is Buddhism. He gave Itchy a memorial he had made from silk and cloth, and he also gave her a mandala.

After we had a cup of tea and spoke about Buddhist monks burning themselves. Turning there issues inward rather than outward, as the Delai Lama has spoken of peaceful protest. We spoke as to the values of this action. I could tell that this saddened him greatly. Even though he is a monk, I could still see his sadness when talking about this issue.

*

I have now run everyday for the last 25 days, 25 hours, and have covered 175.7 kilometers, which is just over 7 kilometers a day.

I have determination as part of my personality, and I guess that must make me quite stubborn also. I have run on days I have felt atrocious and have played 2 games of soccer in that time also. One of the games we had to win to make it to the finals, and after being down 3-7, we rallied and won 10-7. It was brilliant. I'm so tired from all of this exercise that I find it difficult to get motivated to do much else, which is a bad habit, but I am really focused on getting fit before the finals, which is on the 23rd of this month.

*

So I decided to roll out Facebook a little further than I had done before. I gained an extra 50 people from my past. I was scared to do this because I have still a fear that my past will catch up with me, but decided to anyway, chasing the thread all the way back to the past. Back to some of the first people I met in high school. One of the people knew Sophie really well and she sent me some photos she had of Sophie, which I will cherish.

There were a few ex-girlfriends in there as well, and only one chose not to friend me, that I could find, although the invite is still there if she wants it. I have re-connected with an old friend I was a bit upset with, because of a fling we had a couple of times, that he thought was more serious than I felt it was. I guess getting that close to some people that you have a shared past can be fraught with issues.

But all in all the fear is not there, not like I had expected. I'm not worried, and I feel, so far, I have gained more than I have lost. My life is about being more open, not closed, reaching out, not holding back, letting go of my fear, not holding onto it. Basic philosophy like this will guide my compass, in the depths of the seas, in the depths of doubt and indecision.

I stole $600 from my ex-girlfriend and she forgave me, again. I broke into her house with someone else, and we took it. I didn't spend it, and I paid the money back in full when found out, but it was my doing. I could have prevented it. I got a kicking for it too, got my nose broken, so if justice has been laid out, maybe the years of feeling like a low life have paid my debt, maybe.

*

So, Itchy and Scratchy are on the same meds....

Her symptoms have leveled out and now she is doing fine. We both are. We have sent an email off for her to get a tutor. I think she is beginning to feel more prepared than she ever has in regards to uni, which no doubt will help me to concentrate on my studies, not the aim of the game, but a nice side effect of the work Itchy is putting into her recovery. Where to from here, maybe dreaming...

I'll keep you posted ;o)

*

Itchy and Scratchy

2012-01-30T00:46:00.001+11:00

Once again, I sit before my computer, tired.

I have run 133 kilometers on my treadmill in the last 19 days. It has taken me 19 hours at 7 kilometers an hour. It is tiring. I am trying to get into shape. I don't know, it's not really working, but while I am on holiday I think I will continue. It's a hot time of year in Melbourne at the moment. 30 plus degree weather is normal. Today it almost reached 35 degrees, it was a hot run. After my shower, I had a cold bath. Itchy ran it for me. Oh yes, I have changed Atchee's name to Itchy, because, well, I change her nicknames often, and also like the cartoon characters, I can be scratchy. So there we are A is itchy, and P is scratchy.

Anyway, yes, I always miss writing when I do it. I have been spending too much time on Facebook. I decided to widen the net, and increase my friendships. I started sending out requests to people, and most replied, which was nice. I caught up on some gossip, and rekindled some friendships. I don't have my real name on facebook, so there is still that thing where, people don't know me, unless I send the request, but I quite like that. It gives me some control in the process. I use my middle name instead of my last, and have a picture of a lamp post as my icon.

I like lamp posts ;o)

Itchy is on 10 milligrams of anti-depressant, Lexapro, and the crying has stopped. She seems sunnier, shinier, somehow. She still has counselling and it is important to keep going with that, because while medication is good it is only one part of the healing process, and unless the stuff it masks is being dealt with, really, you are just biding time. Biding time is good for her though, as she I think can face study now. She has said she will not go up on medication unless she is not coping.

We are also going to pay for her to have a tutor, so that she can ask them if she gets stuck with her work. We are taking a left, right, punch on this one. Medication and tutor. She realises both will help her, and both she needs, now just to get in contact with the post-grad department and find one.

I have decided a change of plan again. I think at the end of this year I would be best to get a job in a library somewhere, and then do the masters of info management part-time. That way I can reduce the cost of the course in the way that the tax system works. I think that is how it happens. I will visit careers at uni next week to ask them this.

So, yes, things are motoring along, kind of. I am making sure that Itchy is facing the right direction and has her supports in place, because this year, I want to study at uni rather than at home, which is what I did last year, and was a tad distracting.

lazy

2012-01-29T14:41:00.000+11:00

I owe people emails. Usually this is an easy task but I find writing kind of labor some, I mean not the idea of writing, that I like, just the motivation. I am lazy. Very slow on the uptake.

Australia day was the 26th of January

and this also

And finally

message received

2012-01-16T01:23:00.003+11:00

I friended someone I used to hang around with on Facebook. We went to school together, sat together in biology, we did heroin, speed and LSD together, we went to meta physics classes together. We were close. He went to jail, bulked up on steroids, and used ice as his new drug. He left the state, partly because, I heard, he had to. I'm not sure why. I felt he could be quite intimidating even though we were close, there was something I felt I needed to be careful of.

He doesn't scare me now, he was a good friend, he never ripped me off. All is in the past. Don't fear, embrace.

Anyway, this is what he posted on my wall.

'Big smile! How ya world spinnin my bro? Fuk its bin yrs paul, u havnt changed much in ur pics. i still up in mackay (central qld) but thinkin bout home more each week an thinkin this b last yr here an mayb head home. Where u at? Wat the goss?'

Is that interesting? I found it so.

Trust me, I'm a drug and alcohol worker

2012-01-14T17:06:00.002+11:00

I've fallen so far out of writing I'm a bit stuck.

I mean, where do I start?

I went to the wedding at Wilson's Point, just past Bondi. The Jewish wedding had I think many of the rituals and traditions I was expecting. The dancing, was fantastic to watch. It was a beautiful wedding, and afterwards we went back to the apartment of the married couple and shared in song and banjo playing. The place looked onto a backdrop of Sydney.

At the wedding though, I felt out of place. I felt like a lose wheel and subsequently over ate. I gorged. I ate more than anyone, and ate fast and had taken only 2 xanax but felt detached from the happy faces around me. More than a few times I had to walk outside and take a few deep breaths.

I guess that I did okay, all in all. I just felt I could have done better. I was wearing a black suit, with a white shirt, and a black tie, so I looked sharp enough with my hair shaved short, but I just felt out of place. Every time I looked in the mirror, I felt it was someone with very different feelings staring back at me.

*

The holiday finished well, with serendipitous proportions. We found a monk, well a temple, and in the temple were monks building the temple. It was more like a large house they were converting, but it has become a very important moment for us. It turns out that the leader of the group is a famous child prodigy reincarnate of a famous monk. The Delai Lama was one of his teachers, along with 25 other teachers. He has been a teacher himself of some 2000 monks. Hang on wait, I'll post a link.

http://www.rimebuddhism.com/about_spiritualdirector.html

The guy in the photo, he's going to perform the ceremony, for the first anniversary of Atchee's mother.

Atchee had actually forgotten her prayer stuff, so when we happened across the temple we went inside and met the guy and prayed. It helped Atchee. Anyway, because Atchee's fortune teller has told her not to go back to Japan for a few years, we have to find an alternative option. There will be 3 monks performing the ceremony at the temple. We will pay $600, and an extra $150 for lunch. I think we were supposed to bring lunch, but we are not sure what they might like, so we decided to donate. One of my best friends blind S will come as he's part of my / our family.

It's kind of amusing, that we are all catching the train and walking to the temple as Atchee doesn't drive, I don't have a car / afraid of driving, and blind S, well that goes without saying. We will be wearing black as well, so is a formal occasion for us. We will take a photo of mother for the ceremony, and supply her Buddhist name (different to her living name). We are seeing if we can get a plaque made with her name on it also, that we can have blessed by the monks.

Tibetan Buddhism will be different, but Buddhism is Buddhism in many ways, and Atchee is a believer in the Delai Lama, so this makes sense. These monks are the real deal and the money we give them will go back to Tibet to help his village, or something like that. Atchee, being Japanese has a healthy disrespect for all things Chinese, I am sure this Buddhist monk would be more forgiving. Anyway, it's not about politics, it's about ritual, ceremony, love, respect, and having the ability perform this very sacred act.

*

We are going to see the doctor on Wednesday to ask for some medication for Atchee. I am not sure which ones. I will ask as to the difference between tricyclics (TCA) and ssri's. It's a twisty path we are on for Atchee at the moment as her sister is diagnosed with schizophrenia, and Atchee thinks the medications might send her crazy, but she is not coping with the tiniest stress. She can't go back to uni in this state. I think I have been watching her closer than usual of late and have noticed that her emotions, not only cloud her and confuse her thinking, her emotions control reasonable decisions and actions. She cries a lot, at very small things, and this has been going on and off for years. Lately, though, it is getting worse again.

She is fine in the house coooking or hanging out, laughing, enjoying herself, but if the outside world impinges on her world, it is too much. She wants to quit uni, every day, but she also doesn't want to, it's her dream to continue, but in this state she's not up for it again. With some medical support though, I think she will be better for it, and making decisions not solely based on her emotion.

*

I've probably bored the paints of you all, and once again, there is loads to write, I am just trying to stay awake. I sleep or lie down a lot. I think my mind and body is preparing for the final onslaught of this degree. One more year and I can then start to concentrate on my double masters. Maybe, but that will be for another time.

2012-01-10T23:27:00.002+11:00

My life is a different sort of busy at the moment. So much so that I don't have too much time to write. I wish I could go back to uni, back to my routine. I am only operating at the moment because the medications are keeping me upright. Other than that it wouldn't matter whether social occasions are seemingly positive or not, I feel like I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out for a while. I'm coping I guess, but I could be better. I guess I could be worse also, but I feel kind of blur. I feel like I have motor bike gear on or something like that, you know, big gloves, helmet, big boots, and rocks in my pockets weighing me down. As well as that I'm moving in slow motion while everyone around me is in normal speed.

2012-01-08T07:00:00.002+11:00

I got to airport to early this morning. I fly to Sydney today for a wedding. My alarm went at 5.15 am. I think i will sleep once i arrive in Bondi at the youth hostel. I also think a few hours sleep will help the night roll along better. I like travelling with atchee better, i wish she were here. Truth be told, i just want to go home.

the end of the holiday (this one)

2012-01-04T22:46:00.002+11:00

As usual I had a photo that I wanted to post and when I finally worked out how to bluetooth my lap top the internet dropped out and so I had to switch to my other computer without bluetooth and my leads and adaptors are at home so the photo will go in the images page, I'm tired. Doing nothing and having fun can tire me out in a completely different way.

The picture, is of a track called 1000 steps and it is well, just that, or near enough 1000 steps. There is the walk to the steps, and then the walk up them, and then the walk down them, and then home. It is a rigorous test of stamina, and is a busy tradition for many. We were there before 8am and it was full of people a steady stream of professionals, amateurs and the like each being tested in the their own way. I of course managed to hurt my foot coming down, stepping on a jagged rock and have been downing ibuprofen ever since, not too much, and it helps. The last couple of mornings have been a bit ouchy, but nothing too worrying. I do tend to get niggles, but age has to remind me somehow, and none of it is bad, you know.

I took a photo or two of the flora. I love this area, and even though I wasn't just going to post about what we've been doing, I can't seem to stop it. We went to another tea house, watched 3 movies at the pictures, none of which impressed us that greatly, although I did like for the most part Melancholia. I quite odd movie with Kirsten Dunst playing the part of a depressive, her sister I think may have had anxiety. I kind of felt the writers must have playing around with multiple mental health issues, although on the big screen Lars Von Trier did a wonderful job. The cinematography was amazing at times. He did a movie called breaking the waves about incest a few years ago I thought was amazing. Anyway, after being refused by the local DVD store a casual membership, even after we offered to leave $100 deposit, we went to the local library and found 2 movies that were better than the three we went to the movies to watch. Life is like that so often, it makes me want to throw hugs around it sometimes.

I have been feeding a local rosella by hand. It is a deep red and blue and he now flys down and then hops onto my hand and feeds. He is so gentle and just hangs around on me. At first he wasn't like that, but now, he's as happy as can be with me. I have also fed the kokaburras by hand. They eat meat, but are the cutest and fluffiest of the Australian birds. They really are very cute. We feed them on the balcony and they wait for us and call us but are not too demanding, but sometimes we feel they are watching us. I fed a cockatoo a few seeds which you are not allowed to do as they can get a bit aggressive. I think that's the reason. Anyway, the bird bit be me, twice. So I don't feed them anyway. I just wanted to see whether I could I think. I don't feed the green and orange parrots either. The rosella's are bullied by both birds so it's just the rosella's and the kookaburra's for us. It is a strange feeling to have a connection with an animal, even a bird. I have a real soft spot for one bird. It makes me want to own a pet.

The holiday is drawing to an end, and I hung out today in the garden and wrote emails, and just hung out. It really has been a great trip. I'm not sure how we could have made it better. Sometimes, holidays come about at the right time in life, for the right reasons, and are just right. This holiday has worked like that for us. Tomorrow we go out to eat twice and we will visit another public library and possibly, hopefully, go for a swim in the local heated outdoor pool. That would be a good day also. We leave on Friday.

best day of the year

2011-12-31T16:09:00.005+11:00

Yesterday was awesome, a nice day to head in to the last day.

We started off lazily, and caught a midday bus further up the mountain and into a more heavily forested area. As soon as we saw the old mountain ash trees and the ferns we both had a collective sigh. There is something deeply spiritual about this place I feel, and I have no doubt that the aboriginals of Melbourne felt this too as many spent their summers in this area. The mountains are cooler than the low lying areas of the city, where many aboriginals spent the winter months, seasonally traversing between the two. It's set to be 41 degrees on Monday, and 30 plus degrees all week. We have no air conditioner at home so having one here is a luxury. It was broken when we first got here and we basically put the owner in the uncomfortable position of telling her she needs to fix it. I'm glad we did, as it's 34 degrees at the moment. She said it wouldn't be fixed before next week. Oh well, sometimes I think it pays to speak up.

The bus we caught up the mountains wound around and through hill townships and dropped us at the tea house we were looking for. We had a Devonshire tea. I had Darjeeling tea, which I don't usually drink. It just beat Rooibos tea, which I have been drinking regularly. Anyway, cool tea house, large, in the trees, ambient music playing. I felt like I had stepped into another's life, like I often feel when I step into somewhere I am not used to frequenting due to my dodgy past. Atchee, however, felt right at home, which helps, makes me feel like less of a phony. I don't think I would go into a place like this if I had my way, but it's nice to have different views of life, even if you feel like you are looking at a post card.

We left and walked along a wooded track to a local outdoor swimming pool. There was 3 people in it. Atchee didn't want to swim as she doesn't like being in the sun, so she sat by the side as I flipped and flopped, and bobbed around. It was a lot of fun.

After that we went to our favourite gardens up n the muntains and sat under our favourite tree, looked over a beautiful view and walked among the Sakura trees.

We caught a bus down the mountain and jumped onto a different bus. The bus driver was one of my oldest friends. I'm still in contact with him, via facebook, but didn't know he was driving buses now. It was humorous and also good to catch up with him as he is someone I like.

He dropped us at a shopping centre that has large restaurants outdoors, which look like strip shops, rather than a shopping centre. We bought some swarovski crystal for a friend and Atchee's sister.

We caught a bus back to the train station at about 11 pm and went supermarket shopping. We had to run to catch the train and high fived each other as we made the train with the doors closing. The whole day had been an adventure, and other than the tea house at the start of the journey we weren't sure or didn't know where we were going and just followed a path, one thing after another, we ended up place after place. We were both in great moods and there was lots of laughing and carry on.

It's hard to explain things down, and it wasn't just the day, I also realised that I am ready to go back to uni for my final year of my degree. I also realised that I need to swim more and I also realised that I need to be more in control of my next step, meaning, careers advice, financial decisions, that kind of thing.

We have spent $30000 in the last 2 years on this education caper and I have amassed a education debt of about $10000, so even though this may suit me on a personal level, if we keep going it will knock quite a dent in our savings, not that it already hasn't.

For some reason Atchee asked her dad for money, which we don't need but he gave her a chunk, which she is going to keep for Japanese purchases. When it comes to finances I have never relied on anyone. I have saved, I have looked after my own needs. I have never gone to family and borrowed money. My gran gave me a bit of money once, and I kind of think that she would approve of what I'm doing now, but even so, it is a bit indulgent, for Atchee and I both not working and studying full time as we have been for the last 2 years. Of course, when I look at my spending habits I also see a ridiculous amount of spending going on. We paid $1600 for these two weeks on accommodation in the mountains. But, screw it, I think. I haven't bought alcohol for more than 2 years, and I haven't smoked for more than 5, so I've knocked a major hole in my spending in other ways.

2011 was a good year. I received distinctions for all of my subjects which I'm proud of. I completed 2 different styles of therapy. ACT and CBT. I remained playing indoor soccer through a few injuries. I lost a bit of weight, not as much as I would like, but still better than when I came into the year. The Buddhist funeral by far was the most confronting challenge I had to process, and starting anti-depressants also came with it's own issues. Being confronted by a king brown snake that reared up at me, a few days after I visited Sophie's grave was also for me very significant. It was the first of two times Atchee ended up throwing salt at me and healing me with crystals after an alarm clock I hadn't touched sounded 3 different times during the night after I visited the grave. The first night the alarm clock was silent. Atchee told me I have a spirit that easily attracts ghosts. But on the whole my life has been moving forward and my 10 year plan, that was hatched 5 years ago with the simple realisation that many parts of my life weren't working and I felt trapped. I gave up smoking, as I felt that was the only thing at that point I could control. The rest is history.

Atchee had more challenges than me. She had a breakdown of sorts with her uni work, and ended up a shattered shell of her former self. Then her mother died. We left for Japan and she was a wreck. She quit uni on her return but managed to pass 3 subjects anyway. She got special consideration. Counselling started for her this year, and she is still working through that. She has been in therapy on and off since April and I think she will be well placed to continue for some time. She has enrolled at a new uni, the 5th course in 3 years, and she is determined to do this. She of course went on her 3 trips of fortune, a prescribed course of 3 journeys at certain dates given to her by her fortune teller. Buddhism has kept her upright, just, and daily prayer helps her. Crystals have also helped her through this difficult year, as well as the dog over the fence which we both love so much. Our tread mill has also helped us, and food has helped Atchee, she cooks and bakes to unwind. Her cooking is so wonderful, it's a wonder we can't lose weight.

We have kept busy and went away, 7 times that I can remember last year. That is quite a few times. Many people I know question how this is possible and I just tell them like most things in life it is possible if you can find the right balance. This is said tongue in cheek of course as balance is something i strive for rather than have much of myself.

Anyway, that's some of my year and I hope you are all having / had a good year / new year. If not, I wish you all kindness, gentleness, love and peace for the upcoming year.

I have listened to the government youth radio station since 9 am today, and it is now 11.30 pm. It's not something I do that often, but some days I think should be TV free days and I thought december 31 needed to be that. Atchee and I had a fun day hand washing, and eating yummy food, and playing in the cabin.

hope you all get to have some quality time for yourselves. See you next year, 2012...

2011-12-29T21:47:00.002+11:00

I went home and talked to my neighbour, he apologised for not asking to cut our trees down, and agreed to take away the cuttings rather than leave them on our property to dispose of. It floored me on a few levels, I'll admit I was caught off guard, and knocking on the door and telling him I was disappointed was well, I don't know, but I went back there and he apologised for not asking me. He already knew this anyway, but he's old, and can't help himself. I'm disappointed to lose our privacy from the street, but I'm happy not to mow his lawn from now on.

This was followed up by the air conditioning breaking down in our accommodation. I said to them that they can fix the air conditioning or we will cancel our stay, or they can offer us a discount. The next week will be 35 degrees plus and I'd rather be hot and at home than here in those circumstances. Anyway, she went from saying the air conditioner wouldn't be fixed to fixing it in the same afternoon.

I'm having a funny week, weird, things are not clicking like usual. I've had a sore shoulder for a couple of weeks also, but I think it wouldn't hurt as much if other things weren't bugging me so. I mean nothing is the matter, but maybe something is. I sometimes remind myself of where my head is at from watching late night TV. A character on there realised her whole life was wrong from one incidental moment. I think life can be like that sometimes.

Anyway, uni's a good distraction and I'm already looking forward to going back. I feel like I want to have that focus again. So far I feel like I've wasted the last 6 weeks being really unproductive. I need to go to careers at uni, I need to check other things. I'm too busy being lazy, although I enjoy it, I feel like I should do more.

Chrismassy 2011

2011-12-27T21:29:00.003+11:00

So where have I been? Well, lying down a lot.

I cleaned the house, and went away to the forest which is where I am now.

The next door neighbours house that I mow for him, cut many of my trees back in my garden without asking, leaving our house exposed to the road. I knocked on his door and told him this was the final straw, he can forget me mowing his lawn anymore.

I'm still disappointed it came to this, but for 2 years I have been pruning my garden, and then he cut my trees back without asking, on my block, when we were away. My beautiful garden, and not just this, but many things, and he expects to push my buttons as he does and for me to be meek. This time I said our relationship is broken, cut your own lawns. I was not meek. I hope nothing worse comes from this, but life is full of lessons along the way. I'm sure this lesson has some legs yet.

Life goes on though. You do what you can.

I guess blogging still makes sense, I think it makes more sense when I'm in front of the computer more than I am though.

I went to the parents Christmas day and they tried to annoy me like they usually do but I'm not annoyed, well maybe a bit, but I didn't show it.

Atchee has said that my luck has changed since I got a healing from a healer. I ran after him when we saw him, Atchee wanted to meet him, and we gave him some tea for a healing. It was meant for Atchee, but he did a healing for both of us. His public name is the wizard, but he says that's just a public name. Atchee said she felt electricity from me, but I felt nothing, but since then I've been tired and anxious. Many things I try lately fail. As a result Atchee has been throwing salt at me, and running quartz over me everyday. She says I pick up spirits easily. I have no idea about any of this.

We found a Tibetan Buddhist monk and temple and Atchee got to pray for her mum and we spoke to the monk for a while. He really was a very spiritual man. The temple was beautiful.

We donated money to both the healer and the temple.

So, yes, stuff happens, but I'm not really interested in writing those sorts of things, and with my current attitude being what it is, I don't really feel like writing much. My opinions are both ways, look both ways, I'm taking things in their stride. I have been a bit more stressed than usual and taken a couple of xanax but nothing to write home about. I think I'm a bit stressed now, yes, probably.

The anti-depressants are obviously having an affect. I think some it helps, while I do see side effects. I'm more open, I'm more opinionated, I care less about others opinions, I'm more independent, I worry less, I have more direction, I'm more pragmatic.

I also feel a bit more disconnected from people because of this. My anxiety gave my life a texture, and now many things feel smoother, less worry some. I think all of this is not so much a problem at the moment, but I think one day it may be.

Now I'm thinking I'm a bit confused, and maybe I should be writing more. I am not really thinking straight. Blogging helps me do that, I think better, work out my thoughts. I think I should write more. Yes...

life is series of inter-connected pear shapes

2011-12-22T23:10:00.002+11:00

So, as I think I said, the psychologist rang Atchee's GP and told him the situation. He then wrote a doctors certificate for the next 2 months so that Atchee doesn't have to look for work, have appointments and submit forms. The reason we had to talk with a social worker was so that she could be offered any extra support from the government. Which is kind of nice. There is no pressure on her. People are willing to be kind and offer her this support. Considering her mother died 6 months ago, this would assume, that my wife's stress is more than that of her mother dieing. It was from before that when she broke herself studying and hit a wall, as the English level was too high, along with her expectations, and because of her fragile low self esteem, holding everything together, she felt she couldn't fail, which she didn't but she failed in her eyes. She used to sit and cry at the kitchen table before her mother died, and I thought she had a nervous breakdown. It was tough going for her. Even so, it has been amazing how wonderful everyone has been. She got special consideration all last year at study, plus 3 different awesome counselors. She has learned that some of this can be attributed to her own behaviour, and has looked to change much of what she has uncovered along the way. I think everyone is supporting her through this process, and person after person, education, or governmental has been kind and supportive. There have been some setbacks, such as people who have sought to challenge her situation, but these have been few, and without consequence. One doctor did tell her she should be over this by now, and that normal people would have moved on with their lives, but Atchee still has issues with being assertive and backing herself. Anyway, counseling has been helping.

She got into the course she wants, again, she has changed university. This will be her 4th university degree she has started in just over two years. She has however passed 3 units at first year level and 2 units at second year level. Plus she has a diploma in biotechnology. This new degree she is hoping to start at second year and get 2 exemptions meaning in effect that she will only have to pass 3 units to be half way through her degree. Fingers crossed.

*

The new treadmill came. I have been running 7 kms in 60 minutes for the last 2 days, together with previous 7 days before that, a game of indoor soccer, and a run around the park, I only missed 2 days of training. However we are off on holiday for 2 weeks. This should be a test. I plan on swimming more though, well that's the plan. There is also a climb in the mountain called a 1000 steps, which I'm hoping to run up. Possibly. I am really pushing this time to get fit. It has become a focus for me. I noticed that within 2 days of not doing exercise I was starting to eat comfort food. Exercise helps me to stay on track. On the day I broke the treadmill I felt that my running was changing. I felt that my body was getting fatigued and sore, but it was just muscle pain, and not exhaustion, so my body was learning to adapt to the new routine. I feel that again. My back is hurting a bit from the running, but not enough to stop me yet.

*

I know of late I haven't really been dwelling much, about the issues in my life. I'm not really that concerned with the troubles. I think they are in the hallways of my life still, they haunt my dreams, they catch my eye. But they are harder to focus on. I see far more the hope I have many times only had to imagine. I see the potential rather than the futility. I have more confidence that things are going to work out rather than worry about things failing. I think that's why also I don't want to take any more medication. I think it's important to retain the essence of me. I don't want to be somebody that I'm not. I was tempted to take more to wipe these traces from my shores, but I would not want to not have fear to guide me, as I think that my fears have also been a guiding light, strange enough, it has created something unique that is mine. I don't have fear now though being a central theme, I have fear now playing a major role as a character actor but quite often I feel him playing the role of a bit part player, saying a few lines here and there. Sometimes he is just a presence to remind me of a past that is changing.

When I went out with the boys recently, I told them that I was in the moment. That usually I would worry so much before hand and during that it wouldn't be until I left that I could look back over the night and discover what the the night had felt like, in a kind of post party analysis. Now I was just enjoying their company. A few quizzical looks on some of their faces. A change in direction for me.

New day

2011-12-19T22:17:00.004+11:00

I kind of wanted to write a post about surviving a lot of different challenges over the years, the type of challenges that makes one a survivor. Then I was going to write a section on being grateful that I had this life I had because it helped me become the person I am today. I think there was going to be a reference about certain hardships along the way, but I had overcome them, many of them. One of the things I've noticed is that I used to write more about bad, and so now I write more about being glad. But I think writing, for me, is about trying to write somewhere in between. Maybe.

*

I have been going on Facebook and looking for people I know. I am widening my network of people I have on there. In the process, I have half arranged to catch up with people I haven't seen for a while. I think I got a bit worried recently that my world was shrinking, so I had to go out and make sure it wasn't. It's funny how the subconscious reacts to a crisis (potential). I have also started reading a new blog recently.

*

I'm cleaning the house. Atchee does not clean the house. This is my job. She doesn't do it right, so after all these years, I send her off and I clean. The garden, front and back was the first job, it was a big job, but I'm really happy with it now. It looks great. I now understand much better after having a garden for a couple of years what it takes to maintain one. Having the right tools is a huge help.

As far as the house is concerned, I have tackled the big jobs first. Plastered a whole in the wall, my fault, I did it moving the tread mill out. I also cleaned the bathroom. I took the shower screen doors off so I could get to every area. Yes, when I clean, I can't leave anything not clean. I don't hide, stuff, sweep around. When I clean, I confront every front. The house is pretty good anyway really, we have a house inspection every six months, and the owners came over a few months ago, and I am a very organised person. Although Atchee and I both suffer from untidiness, so after a while we have things where we leave them and not where they are supposed to go.

Other than that the psychologist that Atchee is seeing rang her family GP and told him to give her a medical certificate. When we arrived, we both went in for the appointment, because Atchee wanted me there, and we explained the situation. He said that he wants to see her again and talked a little about medication for her to help with things, for study next year. Deptran, was one he mentioned, although he seems very nice, and explained a lot. Atchee doesn't want medication, although, I think it might help her. It's been six months since her mother has died, and even though there isn't a timeline on grief, she is still very sensitive. The doctor thinks that this happened before her mum died, and that's what I explained to him. She would sit at the kitchen table and just cry. Like she was broken from pushing herself.

Anyway, now she has a medical certificate, she doesn't have to look for work for a couple of months minimum, and she can relax. Kind of. We have to go and see a social worker about this next week and explain the situation to them and then she sees a doctor next month to talk about where she is. Atchee has had very supportive people around her. Her therapist has been a blessing, and very kind, although, Atchee has been at therapy for almost 6 months and still hasn't worked on her grief, as there is so much going on for her in other areas. I think mental health situations are somewhat like other ailments. There is the shock, and then the recovery, after some pain usually. Maybe even changing parts of your life to accommodate the new.

*

The treadmill has been posted and can't arrive soon enough, I didn't train today. I need to clean the house. Life is good.

Kite

2011-12-18T21:40:00.002+11:00

So I wheeled the broken treadmill out to the garage. I read that they need maintaining, so I may take more care with the next one. The last one lasted less than 2 years, but oh well, hey... I realise now how much we both love having one in the house. Atchee and I both use it. Atchee is now A, I figure that one of the 1000 nicknames makes as much sense as the letter A... Oh, that makes me Portchee, well, anyway...

I ran outside today. I went down to the velodrome and ran on the inside of that space. On the grass. Before too long I noticed a cricket pitch, and before long I was practice bowling from end to end which is much more fun. Then I discovered a small brick and bowled that instead. I made rules and found a bottle and tried to hit that.

Atchee came down and watched me from behind the wicket against her better judgement I could tell, and yes, first brick skidded of the pitch, dog legged, bounced ten times or so along the grass before coming to rest on it's last piece of momentum hitting her thigh. Of course it was a complete accident, I am just not that good to hit something I'm aiming at, she knew this too, and it didn't hurt, but I just couldn't stop laughing, and apologising, and laughing, which wasn't helping.

I fell on the grass and looked up at the sky, as I'm sure the thought of kicking me entered her head, but she didn't and like all big kids, a kite distracted us as it flew above. It fluttered in the wind, and danced about, getting further and further from the flyer. It was amazing watching this kite going away from the boy. He had the kite on a fishing line and he was just wanting to see how far he could fly it. It eventually came to rest in a tree.

Atchee and I walked home. Tomorrow we wake up at 6 to go swimming in the local pool. It's five minutes away but we hardly use it. Maybe losing the treadmill for the week wasn't such a bad thing. I hope the new treadmill is okay.

Home house inspection Tuesday, every 6 months the real estate agent comes over to see that we are looking after the place. It is so inconvenient, but it's nice having the place looking it's best. To tell you the truth, looking around, it's probably about time we had a bit of a clean.

pain is weakness leaving the body

2011-12-17T21:37:00.003+11:00

I would write more often but I find sitting upright tiring. I lay down a lot recently. I think about blogging. I think I've had many blog stories come and go, and i think about writing them, and then I lay back down.

I have however ran every day like I said I would. I have run 48.45 kilometres in 7 days and played 1 game of indoor soccer in that time, so yes, it took me 7 hours and the time it plays me to play a game of soccer, 40 minutes.

And then the treadmill broke today, so I bought a new one off ebay. I love ebay. I also bought a Nokia N8 off ebay this week, because I wanted it. I am such a guilty consumer though, I buy something none the less, I don't do anything reasonable for the planet but I consume.

Although, my sister is buying me World Vision goat this Christmas instead of a gift, so that is good. I will give her gift that I was going to get her to a refugee fund. Asylum seekers in this country are kept in mandatory detention, so they need all the help they can get. My friend is getting married and all gifts and money is to be donated to this cause. I will tell my sister that her gift went here. So, maybe, I am starting to do something.

And treadmills and mobile phones are essential...

hypocrite...

Anyway, I'm not going to beat myself up over this.

I contacted an ex-girlfriend on facebook. We used to live together, kind of. I moved in with her folks after high school and lived with her family. Anyway, I was a giant douchebag, so I told her and she forgave me. Kind, yes. The point, I'm not sure, I think I just wanted her to know that I was a giant douche, and she deserved better. She's happy now, and studying, and has 2 kids, and a partner that loves her, and a great family, so it all worked out for the best anyway.

Many things in life do

I think I got a bit off with blogging. I think I just am not very inspired at the moment. So, maybe I'm just dragging my feet a bit. I've been busy, and my mood has been good. Oh my lordy, lord. Tomorrow is 2 years off booze... I need capitals for that really. Big statement. I almost missed it. It doesn't mean so much after this long. It's a great milestone none the less.

Anyway, next blog post will be better, I think I just needed to get into the swing again. We are on holiday this Friday. Our plum tree in the garden is full of ripe plums, I will have to run outside tomorrow, maybe swim instead, it's 30 degrees most days now, this has been an unusual post.

On and on

2011-12-13T22:01:00.003+11:00

I watched an episode of Skins last night. I really like that show. Youth run wild full of excess and dreaming. I think this is part of what I mean when I say we lose our lives along the way, the more we gain.

When we were young we had nowhere to go. We hung in the streets. Then someones parent would go away and we'd all have a place to go. As soon as we got places of our own we started acting like our parents and our roles changed. It's nice then when we have a chance in life to do something different. Maybe that's why so many people like to travel and shift their lives. Maybe that's why I'm trying to set mine up like that.

In that way I'll be able to look back on now and see it for the special time that it is. I just have to find a reason to move on. Sometimes I think it's easier to stay.

*

I ran again today, 7.11 kilometers, every day a little further. 27.33 kilometers in 4 days over 4 hours. I will run tomorrow, but probably not on the day I play soccer.

*

This writing like I do serves many purposes. Sometimes I forget how I have benefited from this venture, or why I do it, or who I do it for. Whether it is necessary. So in true blog form, I wanted to write down a few of the reasons I blog.

1) It helps me to do things in my life I might otherwise avoid. Like getting fit. I may run the first day for me, but I think somewhere in it all, I'm trying to show people out there, anyone, you, that I can do this. It is possible. If I do it then you can.

I think that helped me when I needed / wanted to quit, stay quit from the addictions in my life. In five days I will have been 2 years sober. I have been tempted.

2) In the same way I write the previous point, blogging has always kept me focused. In the time that I have blogged I have faced a few obstacles. Doing my placement, and finishing my Welfare diploma, starting uni, starting counseling, approaching student services and my tutors with my issues, going on medication. There have been a few things. In all of them, I have tried to move forward, as the Martin Luther King Junior quote states, if you can't fly, run. If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. Keep moving forward. The blog has allowed me to connect points in time. From beginnings, middles to ends. I have been notorious in my past for not finishing what I started. Blogging has helped with this.

3) Having emotions I just can't place, get on the keyboard, and hey presto, I walk away clearer. Instead of having to walk the streets talking to myself out loud, which I still do, I can get my thoughts down here. Just like now. It's always better that way. A problem shared is a problem halved. That's what I say anyway.

4) Wanting to be scream from the mountain top to the for corners of the world my stuff. Connected to the previous post, separated because this is more about trying to get the truth out of me. Facing myself. As John said. 'How can I move forward if I don't know which way I'm facing' Which I'm sure why I keep telling people it's so hard to face yourself. Is that different?

5) In the true sense of dance as if no-one is watching, I have to remember I am writing for me. I like that people read here, I just can't forget why I am doing this also. I am trying to change like I have never changed before, and I want to document this. Seeing as I have a long way to go I don't see me stopping any time soon.

I am sure there are other reasons.

B average

2011-12-12T23:30:00.004+11:00

The steady beat and the rhythm continued today. My days at the moment, well the last three have been revolving around the treadmill. Today I ran 7.04 kilometers in 60 minutes, meaning that in the last three days I have run more than 20 kilometers in 3 hours. Slow, but hard work. I am trying to get in shape quickly this time and I am probably going against what sports people recommend but hey, I can't seem to do things by halves.

Through the noise of my disc player I heard my breathing, steady, beats, rising, falling, like the sea washing out, washing in. Like a tree, blown in the breeze, first one way then another. The silence, no sound, maybe a rustle, and then a beat, and then everything is in perspective again, and you are running, heavy footsteps, and yet it feels like a dream, or something like that. It's so hard to understand these feelings, so hard to get near them.

Running has reset me. I felt like I was about to self combust, it's hard to understand how pent up I was getting and how much of a release I needed, but i think this is it. I have been sleeping better.

When I was young I walked everywhere, I had to. Or ride. It was all so physical. I mean I still do, but many people I know don't. Not such a bad thing, but I think it would be a bad thing for me. I think that when we gain something, there is also the potential to lose something. Some of the things we lose are not immediately recognisable. I think I need to be active, in my life, or at least up to this part of it.

*

My results

Social Policy, Welfare and the State - 71%
Sociology of Emotions - 75%
Core Issues in Anthropology - 77%

I did well, I'm happy. I never expected such high grades. It's not the grades so much, but what I have learned about myself and the world around me also. I feel privileged to have been able to participate in this degree program.

*

A line of thought

2011-12-11T15:06:00.002+11:00

The steady beat of uni stopped and the parties started. This also coincided with the temperature going to 30 plus degrees. Summer clothes came out, winter clothes got put away.

While the merriment hasn't stopped most of the big stuff for now is done. I have the wedding in Sydney to attend early January, and a different friend is heading down from Sydney for a catch up with some friends in February, but other than that most of the things I arrange will be one on one. Just the way I like it.

A and I leave for the forest on the 23rd, so that time is almost upon us. 2 weeks up the mountains. We have hired the same house we hired last New Years Eve. I like going away over Christmas and New Years, so I don't have to be reminded of the loneliness I feel around this time of year.

As a side point to that A wants to go and see my parents Christmas day, as she thinks they will be alone on the day, as my sister is going to her boyfriends side of the family. So, we will come down from the mountain to spend Christmas day with my folks. How far I've come with my parents, since the time I lost it at them last year. That's now a distant memory thankfully, and in the history of disagreements, mild compared to some in my past.

Kids, forgiveness, is a powerful tool. Since that time I have been on a more even keel with them. Therapy, sometimes aligns elements in ones life, one never imagined. I didn't expect to make any headway with them but it became one of my fondest memories of my therapy last year ;o)

The steady rhythm of my life during uni suits me. It gave me a routine to set my week to. When it ends, and the events get thrown up, and late nights are followed by early appointments, and the seasons change, your life winds in a different direction, it can give the impression that something is wrong, something is missing. That's how its been for me lately. The last few weeks has messed not only with my routine, the steady beat, but also my soul.

And so, out of frustration I ran over 6 kilometers on my treadmill yesterday. It took me 60 minutes. It made my soul feel better. Sport has always done this for me. It made me feel so good in fact, I ran 7 kilometers today in 60 minutes.

Sport, ball sports, have always been there for me at my most vulnerable. In fact, without the runners high, I think I would have self combusted many times over. It is swimming and running though that have that steady beat. Running around after a ball is good, don't get me wrong, it's just there is something strangely hypnotic about the steady rhythm swimming and running can give.

The diet dropped away toward the end of study time, it got turfed in a survival technique that threw the good routines away and in its place I filled it with chocolate and chips. It was a mess, something I am very aware of. I didn't go back to drinking coke and sugary drinks though and kept drinking water, and I don't think I did it for long enough that I put all my weight back on, but I think a lot of it, yes.

I was down to 93 kilos. Although, funny though, like addiction to drugs, alcohol, chaos, I have found that my diet runs similar patterns. I also think I understand losing weight now, more than I did say 6 months ago. For me, like alcohol and drugs, I need to cut certain things out of my life, so they become normal. I like drinking water over sweet drinks now, my body likes it. Every time I say I have to go on a diet, I say I have to cut chocolate and chips out of my life. The first times, it may be difficult, but after a while, as it is for me now, it becomes normal. I walk past these things in the supermarket and I don't want them now.

I'm not saying I'm cured, I'm just saying sometimes real change takes many times of trying, and even though the measure may be small, over time the measure may become tall. A big part of this change in me also, is because I can. Not working can be a blessing for an issue such as this. I have plenty of time now to concentrate on my health before I head back to uni.

There is another reason. We are currently sitting in second on the ladder in soccer. Last week we played the top team and we finished 9-9, which says to me, this season, unlike last season, we are in with a chance. We are sitting in second, and I want another winners trophy. The final is in February, and I think we are in with a chance. I want to give myself every chance. I feel like my personal performance last week was only average, so if I can improve my fitness, maybe that will help the team achieve this result.

My blind friend got his computer and now he is just waiting for internet to be connected. He was so excited that he wanted me to come over and connect my usb internet for him. I said I would but after downloading an Apple update for the dongle and Java, transferring the files via bluetooth, we realised his computer and my usb were encrypted differently and this took 6 hours, so I just told him to wait. He's fine with that, and I'll go round to hook his internet up next week. I think this will be an ongoing theme, me going over to look after his computer. He wants to install a talking program, I'm sure it will be fun and games.

He put on a Christmas spread for A and I. Lots of food. It really was very sweet of him to do that, and I know how much he tried to make everything just right and how much effort he went to. He's on a fixed income, so I'll figure out some way of getting that money back in his wallet.

I haven't been blogging much of late because my routine has got all out of whack. I've not been sitting in front of the computer as much, and the weather has been too hot also, which makes me more tired that colder weather. Next house we live in will come with air conditioning. I think that living the way I have in my life, with doing everything just in order to survive is coming to an end.

Having said that, I still have to figure out how to give back for being so fortunate in this life. Shiny things don't really do it for me, and being protected from life by insuring ever increasing checks and balances, is not my bag either. I have to be careful. There needs to be a balance. I probably have it now, I mean, my life is good. I think, maybe this is true, maybe for me now, maybe this is as good as it gets, and that wouldn't be a bad thing.

I'm not talking about a list of things I'm doing either, I'm just kind of glancing at the side of my life without looking to closely. Nothing is in chaos, or disrepair. Nothing is ill, or without direction. There are some issues, like A's ongoing saga's, man, that girl can't take a break recently. The father has put the funeral anniversary ceremony in the middle of our exam period, and he's told A not to come. He is very unhappy that she is not volunteering to look after her sister so I'm not sure whether these are connected, but her news is trickier than mine for the most part. Her fortune teller has also told her not to go back to Japan. But asides from these issues, which are my issues, things are good.

I think we will need to make our own pilgrimage to Japan, if we can't go to the formal ceremony. We will work it out. I have belief that most things in life can be worked out, that there can be light no matter how much darkness. At least this is what I want to believe.

Miller time

2011-12-07T11:19:00.006+11:00

I'm on the uni computer as A is in counselling, she likes me to come with her when she goes.

We received some partial, preliminary, tentative, positive news from Japan.

It all started from the opposite set of events.

A's father ended up in hospital. He had fallen over or something.

A's sister, T, had called our house to say he was deeply sad and not coping with the death of his wife. He was not looking after himself.

...

I feel I may have explained this somewhere before but can't seem to find it, so will push on, sorry if I have.

...

Anyhow, she has never called us before, that I can remember, and was calling because she knew A would not know this, and T wanted her sister to know her concerns.

She doesn't expect A to come home, and she doesn't expect A to look after her.

A's father does though.

A rang her dad and told him that his daughter was his responsibilty and he had to do something about this. A said she was not going back to Japan to look after T.

This surprised him. This surprised me.

Because of this, he spoke to his sister who has put him in touch with a Shiho-Shoshi within the family. This is a big help, as someone in T's situation needs someone like this to look after their affairs. Family tradition in Japan dictates that he will have to do right by the family. This sounds positive.

Of course A and I will forgo whatever inheritance we may get to make sure T is looked after, and some. I feel, we have a moral obligation to try and do what is best for her, within reason. What I am trying to say, is that because A and her sister were close, it would be reasonable for us to do what we can given the opportunity. A would like to know her sister is as well and being looked after, and that she is as comfortable as she can possibly be under the circumstances.

I think I have seen some very bad situations for some people who suffer from schizophrenia, as I have seen some positive situations for others, like my cousin in the U.K. Anyway, I feel A's family need all the support the family can get, so this is extremely positive. And for the fact that T instigated this, discussion of her future, is also extremely positive. People are now talking about it.

*

I want to give 2 examples.

1) - me in a social situation, thinking, nervous, worried, self conscious, withdrawn, inward

2) - me in a social situation, talkative, calm, relaxed, present, outward

Both of these people exist in me when I go out. Before, it was mainly the first example, but now the second example is part of the mix now. This could mean 2 possible explanations for the one event for how I am feeling.

The middle ground is somewhere in between. I am not there, for me, it is a little more extreme.

*

I have been out with friends a lot recently, and it has been fun, but at the same time, I am quite happy to come home, and for it to be A and me.

She is still struggling, a lot. I am fine, and she is struggling.

She told me this yesterday, and a lady bird crashed into my sunglasses, just to remind me, I am in the right place, at the right time.

*

My friend picked up his Apple Imac yesterday, tomorrow, I will set up his internet. A will come to. He has air conditioning, comfy couches, and a big screen TV. She will also be my back up tech support.

*

Today, I want to relax and read...

The good Antigua weed

2011-12-05T13:24:00.003+11:00

I went to the engagement yesterday and it was lovely. The guy getting married was my best man at my wedding almost 7 years ago now, so we go back. I like his partner. Another friend of mine was there and it was good to see him and his new partner. I haven't seen him for years, and we used to be quite close. We worked in telco for a while together. A few other people were there also that I knew.

I was told that we will have to dance and the bride and groom do a form of crowd surfing or being carried on a chair, something like that. This is quite normal for a Jewish wedding. I don't really know much more than that, so I'm sure it will be fun.

My anxiety fluctuated around a bit. I found that my friends new partner who I haven't met, kind of disengaged a few times, when we were talking. I couldn't quite work her out. I felt a bit flustered at times, and she got the condensed version of me, drugs, alcohol abuse, addiction, therapy, medications, chaos, trouble, deviance, society, etc, in about 5 minutes, and because I got very little from her emotionally I'm not sure how it went. Anyway, the wedding is in a month, so she's going to have another chance then :) We talked about her as much as we talked about me, so, I don't know.

As a conservative Jewish family I kind of made a remark, about one of the young kids as everything went quiet in the room about the next time we meet it would be good if the next time we would meet he would have cigarettes to go along with the lighter he had absconded from the bar, which didn't work. It was one of those old marble ones, and he was making flashes with it, as it still had a flint in it. My comment was met with a few hey, hey, heys, and it was a bit awkward, I found myself, both back peddling and laughing it off all at the same time. Probably, in hindsight, was not one of my better performances, but you know, life doesn't always click.

*

My cousin, the boy, contacted me from England, not once now, but twice. This time it was such a warm friendly response it filled my heart. He called me brother. He feels about me, the same way I feel about him. I told him he is always welcome here, anytime, and that he is a brother to me, so it was nice of him to respond like that. My sister contacted his sister, and she never wrote back to her either, so the communication is now sorted between us and them, now that J and me have an open line of communication.

He wrote

Hey bro,

Its great to hear from you and to know that you are doing so well with all aspects of your life. It all seems like everything is under control and going forward. I really think its great that you are so open about stuff and a lot of the things you mentioned I am able to relate to.

How are things there with J, D and A? I know that you and J are very close but what about your parents?

My dad lives in Brazil and is very ill, its been years since I saw him but things are ok there. I'm actually about to begin to read some portuguese books to keep developing myself on that front. On facebook I am friends with school colleagues from Rio so i've got them to speak portuguese to I guess as my mum,sister and I talk in English.

So I 'd love to know more about your studies and whatever you're up to, keep me updated mate.

All the best to you bro and your wife,

*

To have J in my life fills me with hope, more than I had before.

*

After spending hours on the telephone with my friend in the last few days, talking about computers, on eBay, me being his eyes, we bought one. We will go and pick it up together soon. He will come with me. We have to do it by public transport, but it will be a good chance to catch up. It will be like a day out, an adventure. Now he will have a computer, we will have other forms of communication other than the telephone.

*

In a movie we both watched when we were young, S and me, that we both loved, the main character, Hugo Weaving, who is blind, steals a car. Russel Crowe plays his new friend and he is being Weaving's eyes while they career down the road. When the police stop him, he pleads with them that he has just gone blind. When the police take Weaving to the hospital and the doctor looks in his eyes, she says to Weaving, "you've been blind all your life, What were you doing driving a car". His reply. "I forgot"

the beginning of the holidays

2011-12-04T11:08:00.003+11:00

Night out with the boys, awesome.

Pleased to report that one of my closest friends, after 5 years of heroin addiction and 8 years of suboxone, is now free of opiates. Has been for 6 months. I told him this was amazing, and also said that because of opium dependance he may be vulnerable. He said no, but I think I just wanted to show my concern.

Anyway, the night was good. I took no xanax. I was only on my anti-depressant, and I was really happy, mostly, all night. At one stage 5 of us went out and smoked a couple of joints, and I went with them. I liked hanging out with them while they were doing this. There were 11 of us in total. I have known these guys for 20 plus years at least, some longer, so it was great fun, silly fun, and deep, as knowing these people for so long there have, are, is tragedy as well.

The one thing I noticed mostly, that without my anxiety as bad as it has ever been, I was present. Instead of worrying, I was in the moment. It was me there, happening, engaged, aware, but calm. I could relax with these people that I love. Talk about the old times, some I remember, some I forgot. There were many stories just like this for all of us, as we chose to remind each other of the old times, and times present, ambitions and fears.

Toward the end of the night 4 of us tried to catch a taxi. I kid you not because of a few things, such as the Foo Fighters playing, we couldn't get a cab for 2 hours. We wandered the streets like the youth of our past, chatting, and laughing, and sharing stories. It was my favourite moment of the night. I got home, safe and sound, at 2.30pm, a late one, but A was okay with that. She knows I have fun with these guys, and she likes them, so that was okay.

Today, I'm going to a close friends engagement. A chance to catch up with some other old friends. This is turning into a very social and enjoyable few weeks indeed. What a difference, anti-depressants have made to my life. I have been on them for more than 6 months now, and no matter how many bad reports, doctors, reports, patient reports, journal reports, have to say about them, the experience thus far has been very positive.

I think the therapy was very important, though. Dark corners of myself poked at, and brushed out into the light, looked at, no matter, how hard or painful. A frantic, fucking help me of self exploration had gone on for years, as I faced my own shame and guilt of situations. I learned to treat myself with gentleness, and kindness, and love myself. More recently, I have learned to like myself, be a good friend, take responsibility for how I feel. Of course, it has been easier, because the physical symptoms are treatable.

I've been thinking recently how dependent I am on A. How easily it would be for me to go off course without her. I really think our house is so warm because of our love, my life is so steady because of her love. One of the oddest things I said to her after we first met, was that I love too much. She remembers it, I remember it. I was trying to be open, and trying to be honest, I was fearful I would screw up another relationship. What it translated too we both realised in time, was I need a lot of love. Fortunatley, this time, as opposed to last time, I loved my self, I thought I was a good person, I had a good opinion of myself, and I was calm about this, most of all I trusted myself. So the relationship was allowed to flourish.

For both of us.

Sometimes, I think it was only because I spent so long trying to clean out my own issues for so long, was I allowed the opportunity of meeting someone else. Maybe, whatever, it still doesn't change the fact that there are many reasons, many reasons, why I write here today, like I do, and not from one of the places I came from, unable to move on. Change for me required many hours of loneliness and solitude, but without it, I may never have got to the place I am today.

Back to earth

2011-12-02T15:23:00.002+11:00

Hi my name is Paul, and i've come back to earth.

I took a xanax (prescribed), because I needed to sleep. They don't seem to do much to me and I don't abuse them. I guess I don't really like them that much, which is probably a blessing. I don't think I took one before last week for months. They kind of knock me down a peg or two. Mellow me the next day.

I brought some prints back from Japan, they are of the wave, kind of, similar style, on a rice paper, I think that's it. Anyway, you can wash them if you get them creased and hang them up. It's a wood block style print.

They come in sheets of two, and if you cut them down the middle, they reverse each other. I did this and am giving them to 2 friends. We all grew up together, and we are all close. I will go to one of their houses tonight, and the other one I will give it to him at the pub, should be fine. Maybe I will leave them both at the my friends house. I also got them some sake.

So, tonight has come and I'm off. We do catch up every Christmas at the same pub. We have for the last few years. Feeling a bit tentative at this stage. Should be okay.

The death of us

2011-12-01T23:10:00.001+11:00

Aargh, I thought I posted this first, which I did, but it posted under the original date. I rarely post from drafts, and so, this should have been posted first, after you read the other one, but maybe it will make sense to read this one first. Oh, boy, I really am a bit all over the place tonight. This was written some time ago, as the post after this will explain. Confused, I certainly am.

*

I exist because of you. If it wasn't for someone, anyone being here I would have no one to validate my existence. If a person is alone I assume that it is because they do not have such a person in their life.

When we get old, our friends and family die. We lose our titles of daughter, or son, or brother, or sister, or friend.

Sometimes we will lose a person and we will lose a connection with a place or time in our lives. Relationships break downs are another big killer of identity.

Witnesses for our lives, validation that we have existed keep us real. I exist because you know I do.

This can create all sorts of problems as significant others drop off, and with that, identities of ourselves die with them. Memories of them live in you, but now without their memories of you, you have lost part of yourself.

Often, I reminded of a time or an event from a friend i can not remember. I think part of this is that my experience of that time is different to theirs.

Other people acknowledge our own experiences. They are not necessarily the same experiences as you may of had, but by them being there, the other person is validating your sense of self, your self-identity.

Loneliness finds many of us, and as we get older our life starts dieing as the relationships we lose contact with and the people older than us and around us, and if we live long enough, many of those younger than us die. Less and less are there people in our that lives remember a young version of us.

That person has gone, and in our living we grieve for the death of us.

Mmm...Bop

2011-12-01T22:15:00.003+11:00

I wrote that post a while ago, I didn't post it because I thought it was terrible, but I liked something about it, so I wanted to read it twice, which I rarely do, but it was okay. I mean, for me it was okay.

My results this year have been kinder than I deserve. My writing I know, is pretty abysmal. I know that my sentences are all over the place and don't make sense at times. My tutors write on my lecture when I get them back, things like , 'that doesn't make sense', and things about my grammar, and well, I have a lot of trouble.

I understand the structure now, which is a help, and I try to honor the question, and I do a lot of research, and I understand the topics, but when it comes to writing about it, it's all a bit of a mess. I think my English will always be that. I think I will always struggle.

*

Today I got the worst case of gout I've had for a while. I was in so much pain. Not 48 hours after washing the oxycodone down my sink. I was thinking when I woke up I could really do with some good pain killers, but not drugs like that. Not for me. I used all the other tricks I knew, and I got it to the point I could play soccer tonight, which means that the gout I get now is better than the gout I used to get when drinking, and I also have a really good system of dealing with it.

*

I have been feeling heaps better ever since I got rid of all of those pills, my mood has lifted. It's funny (loose expression) that my subconscious knows that I'm looking after myself more. There are all these strange knock on effects.

*

Speaking of knock on effects. I was doing really well with my diet, and then with the end of semester, I started falling back into old habits, chips, chocolate, comfort eating, and I put back a lot of the weight I lost.

Anyway, I'm back eating healthy again, as school has stopped, and this time it was easier to stop. The withdrawals from sugar weren't as bad as last time. I think it's like any drug, the first time is fucking painful, and it hurts, and you feel alone, and scared, and worthless, and whatever emotions you have been suppressing, or masking, hiding, but each time you quit, the good fairy's come to you quicker, and they support you more, well they do for me, and they say, hey, it's okay, we see you are trying like you did before, and they are not as far away, and there are more each time. So, in time, good relationships with yourself are rewarded because your fairies can see you are trying to be good to yourself.

My good fairies, my angels, are with me, and I know, they like it when I care for myself.

*

Today, I have been quite scatty. I was almost thinking manic. I was all over the place when I went to my friends before soccer, talking, chatting, quickly, smiling, being not the quiet me at all. I think it may come across here a bit as I write. Anyway, A said to me today at one point because I spent most of the day with her today, lovely market shopping in the city market, wonderful. You are high tension today.

I had to think about it. I was thinking manic, and she was thinking high tension. Tension, a kind of spring, or sprung, or tight rope, push and pull, stress, strung. Mania, up, racy, accelerated, out of yourself, ahead of yourself, high. Is there a similarity, was I manic or tense. I mean, I thought my mind was racing, I couldn't shut up toward, I had heaps of adrenaline, everything I wanted to do was fast, didn't want to slow down, but I don't want to be tense.

*

I am seeing my amygdala (sic), as over stimulated, or something, and connected to my emotional memory, which is connected to my fear conditioning which, is maybe genetic, maybe learned, and maybe something else? Phobias, and disassociation's, and whatever else, and all the other stuff. It's incredible, how much stuff, is learned along the way, and confused, and forgotten, and changed. And boxes, pretty boxes. I'm a mockery of me tonight, I need to calm down some.

*

Last night In watched Halloween last night in the dark, and the night before I watched Saw, I think tonight I will watch some other horror movie. Mindless horror films are good to switch off too. Although, they more frustrate me. 'Why don't you call the police', 'turn the light', 'go the other way', 'don't go into the house'. Anyway, watching them in bed on my new tablet, which I've finally installed Android is a joy. Having such a cool toy, another one, in the house is great. If you own a lap top, and you think you like that, wait till you own a tablet. Wow.

Anyway, I bought it in my frantic coping of making myself feel better while studying, and It's only now, because of Android do I really love the thing, but I'm sure Apple's product is okay. Probably not as good for me, but for some.

*

I could go on for ages with this post, I think it's got something to do with my pace today. I want to talk about going out with the boys tomorrow, catching up with friends, my drinks the other night with friends, the dog next door, mowing the lawn, A's situation with grief, and her studies, and progress. I want to talk about dreaming, and loving, and beauty, and kindness, and care, and so many things.

We bought a full salmon today from the market. They filleted it, and kept the head and bones and we brought it home and cut it up and put in the freezer. We were going to have sushimi, but A was too tired. We went to the dentist today, and we left home at 6.45am. I got some cosmetic work done, amazing on public health, and it only cost $25.

I think I just want to get across also, that my house is calm, and the music is warm, and the lights are dim, and there is stuff all around, our toys, so many toys. A and I can roll around in this place, and always have something to do.

I think I'm going to watch Friday the 13th tonight. Nighty - nigh

*

Listening to Sam Amidon - I see the sign

Dumb things

2011-11-30T14:46:00.002+11:00

I had a dream that I was moving in with Sophie this morning. One of the things she had was an old brooch. It was silver with a blue sapphire in the centre. I'm sure there is some significance, maybe, but as was usually the case with Sophie, and most of the greatest people to have come into my life, I think I skipped past the relevance and straight to the unmeaning of the situation.

Seeing this beautiful piece of jewellery and noticing that if it was polished up it would look far nicer, newer, prettier, so I made the comment. You know the kind of comment, the kind of comment that belies missing the point completely. There I was with Sophie in my dream, and there she was standing in front of me, and there I was noticing this beautiful brooch she had, not to mention we were moving in with each other, and I tell her she could do well to give it a polish.

I think she felt this with me a bit. I had a habit of getting myself into a good place with her, and just at the point of saying, doing, being something meaningful, I would be completely irrelevant. Although, I know this dream has a significance in today. How I feel. I am now through the storm I was in, and now out of it, I feel a certain amount of guilt for being in it.

I feel I owe an apology, I know I owe one. The blue sapphire, I feel, is the kindness shown to me, I think. And it had to come in the form of Sophie for me to recognise how profound the whole situation was, and what did I do with the gift, I got caught up in how I was thinking, is what I did. And I kind of dropped the ball for a second. The tangle of thoughts can be so tangible, and yet a minute later, you realise just how dumb you have been and you try to get back into the room to tell the person that you see the true meaningfulness of the situation but by this time, you can't find the room, now you are outside and the place you were in is in the sky. Sorry

sand

Caught between a pill and a hard place

2011-11-29T12:00:00.004+11:00

Capable, is one of the words that disappears when I take drugs and alcohol.

I become incapable of living the life I want to live.

In the last few years, I have managed to transform my life in many ways.

One of my best friends told me once that I was the most reckless person he had ever met. I guess I have had a habit of extremes. When he said this, I didn't take it as anything in particular, other than reflect that we knew many reckless people, I guess it must have been quite the performance, which looking back on it, it was.

My life coach (me) has gone on a break now that uni is over for the year, the weather is getting warmer, there is less to occupy my mind, there are lots of going out experiences happening, I have a draw full of pills.

I am such a loser.

I am trying to simplify my life, not complicate it. Simple, means not trying to get high for kicks, or getting through experiences, I thought I was done with that.

I watched a quick documentary on synthetic happiness, the happiness we create when we don't get our own way, and then we morph that experience into new experiences and after 3 months, if we survive, it seldom matters. Neat idea I thought, and I agree.

No matter how I am when I go out with the boys this Friday, I will look back and be glad I did it without the use of alcohol and other drugs. So, why I can't I throw these pills away. I almost called my friend and asked him to get me some ecstasy. I mean, pills are okay, right. Good pills, bad pills, take the pill. Society is so confusing.

My resolve has withered. I need to throw these pills out. Get my power back.

I rang my friend up to talk to him about it, I mean, it was him that gave them to me. On my request of course. No, wait, I think I asked him 10 times or something. I really have no way of justifying this stance.

I took one, waited about an hour, went to sleep, woke up feeling tired, went out, didn't feel my usual new found capable self and then came home and slept far too much for the next three days waiting for the fog to lift.

Now I feel better, but my head is thinking about getting out of it. Does it help that I'm playing the kind of music that will trigger me?

I think part of it, as I play with the packet, is that I would have loved to have had my hands on this stuff when I was younger. I would have been so into this, which is a stupid thing to say, but as I flip the box and slide out the silver sheet of pills from within, it fills me with some odd sense of calm, some odd sense of control.

A very similar feeling drugs have always given me.

I really only have one choice don't I.

Reclaim my life again, reclaim my confidence, reclaim my direction, reclaim my destiny, reclaim my simplicity, reclaim my capable.

I just rang my friend, well, he rang me, but I rang him this morning and he didn't answer, so he rang me back. I told him that I was going to bin the pills and he said 'fine', but one of the other things he said was 'keep them for when you are in pain'.

You see that would make sense, but the intent is not right. I mean, I'm in pain most days because of my back issues, especially the night after soccer, and pain is something, I sort of cope with in different ways. Gout is very painful.

But the thing is, the pain is not painful enough that the switch in my head does not light up and say to me, 'Getting high time, now buddy, time to strap yourself in'. My head is mischievous, and not quite right, but the 'getting high' part for me is so strong, it rules me sometimes. Well, it used to.

I am trying to understand why I have this propensity to get high, and I'm sure it's connected to my anxiety. I am almost 100%. I get nervous, the seasons change, drinks with old friends, a new situation, down time, holidays, whatever...

I need to get rid of these pills. It's the only way back for me, it's the only way I can climb this mountain, it's the only way...

okay, have just washed them down the sink, an image that both intrigued me, and horrified me, but most of all, pleased me. I had to treat them with disrespect, because I was disrespecting them.

Anyway, done now, I will just have to be anxious this Friday with the boys, if that's what happens. Who knows it may turn in to synthetic happiness anyway, and in 3 months, I don't think a sober evening with the boys will be what I remember anyway. I think that if anything, it will be spending time with my crew.

As time goes by

2011-11-27T22:55:00.002+11:00

I've spent the last 24 hours or so, trying to work out how I feel. Internalising uncomfortable feelings is difficult. There can be different levels of emotion. I think the feelings of lethargy, loss of confidence, fear of my future, worry of relationships, guilt of letting myself and others down, were some of the emotions I went through.

However, I'm feeling better now, and not so bad about things, but yes, probably a bit sheepish.

I think I still feel drugs as a solution, and just because I don't drink, smoke or inject drugs anymore, there is still a fine line in my head that I obviously feel some curiosity about. There is something about feeling normal I don't quite understand, as is the case with my anxiety. If I could feel normal and not anxious around others, I wouldn't be so consumed with numbing myself in the presence of others just to get through.

I didn't feel any less conscious, and I didn't feel any easier at the time. I kept forgetting some of my words, and later I just felt crap. So, I sigh, and kick a stone, and allow myself to be foolish. I mean, I'm learning as I get older how fool hardy it is, how I am, and how it really gets me nowhere.

A time and a place

2011-11-26T14:33:00.003+11:00

My new hamstring protector has done wonders for my leg. I can now run without any pain, and I feel like I can once again begin to step my fitness up. We had a convincing win and have now fought our way back to second in the new season. This is going to test my resources, stamina, perseverance, and dedication, to get in form and keep a strong place in the team. Last year I wanted to score goals. This year, I want to play for the team.

*

Out of the blue, I received an email from my cousin to stay in touch. I have two cousins, and after receiving no reply from my girl cousin, for reasons I will have to wait in time to question her about, Mawwwwahhhh... and writing to her mum, my auntie, I really wanted to keep keep in contact with my male cousin. We have a connection, except he recently got sick again from his schizophrenia and ended up in hospital for 3 months. Anyhow, something must have occurred in the family discussion, because he contacted me, he sent me an email, saying lets keep in touch. Awesome times 100.

*

So I went out to the city last night to catch up with people. I was rather nervous. I didn't know how to feel about it, and as the afternoon wore on, I decided to try the oxycodone. I took 5 mg. It just made me tired, and I ended up going to sleep for a while. When I woke up it was time to go but I still felt too anxious, probably more so than before so I took a 1mg tablet of xanax. I guess with the 30mg of lexapro I take, I expected to feel calmer about things. That was not really the case, and I felt pretty apprehensive. I took transport until about 2 kilometers away from the venue, and then I walked that distance, through the housing commission flats wearing my big headphones, and listening to Aphex Twin, (thanks Magic for putting me onto them).

I got to the bar and found the beer garden, there was only 4 of us, although the place was rather packed. I did okay, and it was a nice night. I think we will do it again sometime. I hope so. It took me a while to get home but the three ambient albums runs for hours, and it's a good sound to be listening to in the space I was in for the evening.

I got home just past midnight and had a good nights sleep.

back again

2011-11-25T13:11:00.003+11:00

That was a quick trip

A and I had the pool to ourselves for about one and a half hours yesterday. It was fun. We swam laps and chatted. I kind of felt like a rock star. As well as a gym, there was also a games room with a table tennis table which A and I paddled on for a bit.

A said to me yesterday while I was trying to persuade her to a challenge swim, 'I'm not competitive, I just don't like losing', which goes into the vault of classic things she has said, headed by my personal favourite, 'It's not a secret, I just didn't tell you'.

Whilst in the pool I was reminded of growing up. My parents had an inground pool, solar heated, and yet I never really felt it was mine to swim in. I wasn't allowed to invite my friends around, my parents were very specific about this. I wasn't allowed to use things in the house, if I was in the kitchen, I was told to get out. There were certain items of furniture off limits, and rooms that were for show only. The stereo like the video camera, was off limits. The house was painted white, and the carpet was white, and some of the furniture was white. It really was a place where I felt I was in the way. I certainly felt like an outsider.

But swimming up and down with A, I felt different. I stood there looking around and got a bit lost actually, in this thought. How long it had been since I was in a pool by myself or with a friend, or at least under the gaze of a pool guard. Pools take on a new perspective when you have it to yourself. Of course growing up in Australia it is not uncommon for people to own pools. It's just my memories of it are marred somewhat with the memories of mother complaining about how much it costs to maintain, both financially and the physical cleaning maintenance.

However, I realised that having a pool for myself wouldn't be like this for A and I. I'm not like that. Although, I complain about the grass, but then again, I'm not really keen on grass, so maybe that is part of the problem, that this is not my garden, not my choice.

*

I am going out for drinks with friends in a busy trendy bar in the city tonight. There will be at least 7 of us. I will stay for about 3-4 hours. I'm happy to see these guys but the socialising will probably be a challenge.

I may have a sleep before I go.

Third trip of fortune

2011-11-23T09:43:00.003+11:00

550 kilometers is a long way.

This is the third trip for A, that her fortune teller told her to take. It is the final trip for now. The fortune teller has not told her why but I looked at the map and there is a triangle of travel that appears. South east / south west / north. So I think this is a way to align the body, or something like that, but she doesn't know, or care, I think. A has used the fortune teller enough that we tend to follow much of the advice given.

So, the place is great though. Mildura, is a regional centre, known historically for it's oranges. We have also seen signs for avocados. Anyway we had some food in town, and then headed to our resort. I say that because it has palm trees everywhere. There is an inground indoor pool and gym. The apartments are self contained, meaning full kitchen, laundry facilities and a large spa. I had breakfast on the balcony this morning. All in all this has been a great experience.

I remembered a friend that I knew that used to live down here that I haven't heard from for a while. I used to work with her in video games, and then she was she was my dealer, but I also got along with her partner, and A and I went out a few times with them but we lost contact when we moved. They moved in the opposite direction. But I contacted her as we were pulling into town, and now we are connected again. She lives on the coast. For me, coming here, to make contact with them has been my piece of good fortune.

2011-11-20T16:07:00.002+11:00

I was tired when I posted yesterday, and I remember writing a bunch of things, but I also remember writing that I would help my friend where I could, I slept on that and when I woke I remember the thing that I said a few times to him, was I went there, so he knew I was still around and that he knew that, I was thinking of him, and I wanted to know that I was pleased to see him, and I would be back, and for him to keep in contact. I think that I am here, and he knows that. That was in a way the most I could give him.

I mean, I can take him food, and I can talk about care plans, or wrap plans, or social services, or medications, or assistance from services, but I'm sure he knows all that. I think that it's a small thing turning up on his door, and having a scrambled conversation, but it's a big thing too.

I would rather be in the company of one person that appreciated me the way I feel I needed to be appreciated, or in the company that wants my company, than in the company of thousands that buy me gifts, pat me on the back, and smile for my photos.

So, maybe a part of visiting him is for me, to serve my purposes, and that is probably true. I visit him because it makes me feel better about being me. I could be cynical and say that, but I want my friend well, I want all of my crew to be doing well.

So many people in the world in pain.

*
Since I cut the grass, a longer job than ever, A has been noticing the different breeds of birds that are frequenting the garden. She has a favourite. They are trying to catch the worms under the grass I leave. They pick up the grass in their beaks and toss it to the side. I don't collect the clippings, I just leave them lay. She informs me that the baby of the couple has become proficient in catching worms whereas before this was not the case. It can now toss the grass and look for the worms starved of oxygen underneath. Otherwise, I thought worms, mostly travel at night. It gives satisfaction to her, to I, to watch the seasons, and what it brings. We have some beautiful birds in our garden, in our life.

old skool

2011-11-19T22:51:00.003+11:00

I went and saw my old friend today, at the rooming house he is staying at.

The first time he didn't want to know me but this time I went armed with goodies. I took cereal, cheese and crackers, milk, bananas, oranges, fruit juice and vegetable juice, and a pouch of tobacco, lighter and papers. I had no idea how much tobacco has gone up to. $33.50 for a 50 gram pouch of Winfield Blue. I probably won't be doing that again, but I thought it was necessary to do it this time. Reciprocity and the hope of intended relationship between people. One person gives and the receiver feels obliged to give back. This is an understood and accepted cultural norm in our society.

Manipulative, maybe, but I like this guy, I always have, we go back. We had each others back for years, and in my town that counts.

I was really apprehensive as last time, he went back into his room and got a metal pole to hold onto and wave around and told me he could put it through someones skull. It made me somewhat nervous and my body / mind did all that it could do not to flee.

However, since that day, I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that that was not the guy I knew from years before and I would go back again. That he did appreciate me turning up on his door step and that he could say what he liked to me and wave what ever metal poles he could find, he did not fool me. He wanted me knocking on his door. He may not know it yet but that's the facts as I saw it.

I did over compensate with the shopping as I walked around the supermarket collecting my care package, I just started grabbing stuff, I thought about stuff not cost. It was only when I paid did I think about cost, but whatever, I knew that I needed to do this, that this was my angle. Anyway, after 30 years of friendship and the amount of drugs we had done together, this was just money for the pot. We would waste that much money on a night in.

I caught public transport, 2 trains and a bus, in the rain, it took hours. I hoped he was home. I knocked, he answered. As soon as he did, I felt foolish, and all the previous thoughtfulness and cool I had in that moment dropped away. I blurted out, "I got some stuff for you" and immediately unzipped my backpack and started handing things to him. He kept some of the stuff and didn't take some of it. He took it into his room which he was standing in the door of, I stood in the doorway and looked around his room. I was in his life again, I felt it.

He is off his medication for schizophrenia, and he can't concentrate for long, I think he gets voices, which interfere with his thoughts and I needed to jump about in conversations to keep up with him, as I felt he didn't want to keep on the same track at any one time, but I asked him whether he was getting assistance from the government which he is, and whether he could take my number, and if he was going to move to keep in contact with me which he said he would. It was great talking with him about a few things.

One of his arms is shorter and he seems to have lost one of the bones in it, as he was in a curb side accident a few years ago. He kept saying he wanted to go to sleep. His room is full of fish tanks and reptiles and birds, as he loves that kind of thing, so we talked about his and that. He's only got a radio and his bedroom window is permanently open so he must be freezing sometimes. It's not part of the main house, its like a brick shed in the back garden. Private rooming houses in Australia can be a disgrace but our government is negligent in it's care for the vulnerable as so many around the world.

Anyway, it was super cool seeing him, even if it were only for about fifteen minutes. I said I would be back, and next time I will take him food, and if he's not in I said I would leave a note and drop it inside his window, which he said was fine. He really is a nice guy, I'm going to try and help him as much as I can. Well, you know, let him know I'm around.

spins me right round

2011-11-19T00:14:00.004+11:00

It was 35 degrees, and humid, too hot to be wandering around. I postponed today's trip and I will do it tomorrow. We had thunderstorm's with thunder and lightening later. A most unusual day, where the temperature just kept climbing and then later the storm broke. It is now about 20 degrees but the house is hotter. I have the window open and I am sitting next to it. It has the affect of air conditioning, the cool breeze blowing in, moving the blinds. We don't have air con, so I will store this memory for the next hot day that we have.

It feels like a movie set, and it is late, and I have the tv playing with no sound and I have the stereo playing music. I am sitting at the breakfast table on my lap top I usually leave at uni. I am very definitely on holiday as I spend most of my study time in the study on my desk top. I'm the type of person that after finding a successful way to study, rarely change it.

I can say that I am draped all over the house. We have 5 different areas in the house where one can relax and so many electronic devices, lap tops, a tablet, games consoles, books, an e-book reader, stereos, TV's, stuff, that without any trouble we can fill a day around the house with a snap of fingers. A loves cooking at the moment and while I'm amusing myself, her foody brain is free wheeling. I think cooking is to her what sport is to me. She is so passionate about this, about creating.

I got 34/45 for an essay on 'romantic love'. Even though I talked 'structure' with my tutor about this essay, she read not one word. I really am starting to get the hang of this essay formula. It's my sentence structure and correct usage of words now that I feel are the next thing I need to improve, anyway, a good mark none the less. I have not got a C all year for any assessments, I mean I did, once, but got it reassessed and it was bumped up to a B, which I still think was a bit surreal, but I'll take it any way I can get it.

About the previous email, it's not something I told A that I was blogging about, but she says I can write her. I think it's probably more than she wants out there, but at the same time I think she would be okay with it too. She is a private person, but she is also someone who has seen great benefit in opening up, getting the stories out there. Breaking down, the holding on fear. She has seen how being open has benefited me.

When I was about fifteen I remember hearing an expression that was something like, we hold our fear closest to our chest, like holding a good hand at cards. We hold the fear close because it means so much to us, when really it is our fears we must let go of, and not hold close. I mean I was young I had no real idea how to do this, but I was desperate to try and understand it, and was always going on at people to let go, although, in my way, all that really amounted to was endless days of passing out, risky behaviour, and turning most of the good that happened to me upside down, or something unrelated to facing myself, my fears.

I am so happy my leg has improved from the leg support I bought, all I can think is, that I can play soccer closer to the way I want to rather than holding myself back. I should give it away and start my yoga life, but really, is that ever going to happen. Pinging a ball around, now I could do that all day.

Domestic Violence

2011-11-18T18:54:00.003+11:00

A and I talked a bit about it today. We talk about it regularly but many things remain the same. This is part of the reason that she is in therapy. Her self evaluation of herself is getting in the way of her living the life that she wants. It has affect on the things that she wants.

We have a great relationship but she doesn't like to socialise because of her self esteem. I mean, I guess she isn't someone to swing from the chandeliers, but simple couples things are often too much for her.

She left Japan after domestic abuse in her previous marriage that lasted 10 years. It started on their honeymoon and it took her ten years to leave. Her plan to leave the marriage coincided with her coming to Australia. She did both at the same time.

She came to Brisbane first but the course she wanted to do didn't happen and there were only a few places in Australia where she could do it and after consulting her fortune teller she came to Melbourne. We met soon after, she had been in Australia for 3 months.

I had recently back packed round Tasmania, came home and vowed to change my life, had quit alcohol and thrown my bong out, and had cut my usage back to smoking joints, which for me was, well, both kidding myself, and the most natural I had been for a very long time.

I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was looking for a life. A was looking for her life, and after the experience she had just had did not want a partner. The stakes were high for her.

It was fate that we met, we both feel that now, but when she met me she instantly had a bad impression of me, and thought I was scary, and I didn't think anything of her much at all. I had never really met many Asian people, I mean as friends, or anything like that.

It was a chance meeting and too many coincidences in our situation that pulled us together, but it was not for a period of time and circumstances and events and a moment in the movie we were out watching with another friend 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' when after, later, the next day I took the day off work with a feeling I couldn't explain, what is it? What was I feeling? What is going on with me? I realised, I had fallen for A. I think I was worried also that by this stage we may have formed a friendship and I had missed a window, somehow now we were friends, dufus thinking, and well, A hadn't fallen for me like I had her, but it all worked out, and we had a John and Yoko love, It all came easily for us.

I had no real concept of domestic violence, not really, I mean we spoke about stuff, but I had no frame of reference. It was probably more relevant for me, what she went through as over time, bits and pieces came out, I think she still holds stuff. It is all really tragic, and she was trapped for such a long time, I couldn't imagined it, but when I studied how to counsel someone with domestic violence many things kind of connected and I realised that she needs to somehow deal with this.

Part of domestic violence is that he made her feel guilty for the abuse he was giving her. He forced her to do terrible things and he did terrible things to her and then he made her feel as though she brought these things on herself. That she was to blame for the abuse.

In Japan she had few options. Shame of leaving a marriage is judged harshly in society. It's a cultural pressure that is too difficult to explain with just words. Japan can be a suffocating society. She would have had to have moved home and she would have been unemployable as a divorced woman in her thirties. Companies ask women for their marital status and age and they are highly discriminating.

She had no money as the husband had siphoned hundreds of thousands, millions probably into the business and he owed money everywhere. When it came to leaving, it was her mother who backed her again. She gave A the necessary financial backing and went against cultural norms and universal Japanese common sense of person and A escaped. She got rid of everything she owned and brought a bag to Australia.

A knows I love her, and I help her as much as I can. I understand that co-dependent relationships are unhealthy, as I have had that in the past and broke myself in half to be in a healthy and loving relationship, that I am too close to her to be her counsel for guidance, although we often talk about her options, that she needs to learn from making her own mistakes, creating her own independent life. I am here for support, to pick her up when she needs it, but I also know that the years of abuse are still with her. I know she needs to do this in counseling. Things are getting better for her, and I see how far she has come.

As a Japanese woman she was taught to be contained to refrain from being emotional. There is a control of obedience and role play that is common sense, automatic in Japan. That is part of the reason Japanese are so polite. They are bound to control their emotions. In death also.

A is a strong woman, determined, on her own destiny, driven. I have watched her grow, I have watched her overcome, I have learned from her.

I wanted us to buy a house, after we met, I wanted her to find work, I thought that I could persuade her to do this. I was wrong, and she went back to school, she wasn't going to let me have an opinion on this. She has done this so often that now I just support her, I have a hard head sometimes too, but she has taught me to be flexible, and now to a certain extent I flow with her stream. I think in a way it has allowed me to change in ways I couldn't have imagined. Letting go of self belief can be enlightening. I've felt it like jumping off a cliff or taking off a weighty piece of clothing, a sense of relief fills one. I am a changed person since I met A, I couldn't have done it without her. I tried to find my way. All I had to do was meet A.

I went back to school knowing that with her back at school I wanted to do the same, I was like, 'I can't go back to school, we both can't be at school' and she was like, 'why not?' to which I was like 'Duh, dah, duh, oh...' and then later 'duh, dah, duh, I guess so'

So she has come a long way and I support her, whatever I can do so that she is cool is what I try to do 'I love her, I adore her', but sometimes the past is too deep, too real, and it takes time and counselling and hopefully in time, these things can turn around for her, and she can live her life without the voices and the images of a past that happened for ten years but has colored her life.

guilty feelings, nah...

2011-11-18T01:00:00.003+11:00

My local chemist accidentally refunded me $92 something. I didn't say anything. I didn't know until I got home and checked my online account. I didn't say anything to them. I won't be going there for a while. I'm not worried about karma.

In fact, because they made the mistake I went out and bought an ultra expensive sports support for my hamstring, which is perfect. I can run like the wind again. I don't feel so good about myself blogging about it. It's not like I'm happy it happened, but I'm not disappointed either, and now I have more money.

*

I probably won't take the oxycodone, I think I just needed to blog that I was thinking about it.

*

Social work would be low pay and high stress, whereas information management, I would imagine would be low stress, and high pay. Way to rationalise taking the easy way out.

*

I have less than a month to go to reach 2 years sober, amazing.

*

A passed her final exam, and passed the subject. She passed the 3 subjects she attempted this year with a B,C, and a D. I would take that in science any day of the week. She is walking on sunshine about this. It is good she has a win. I am so happy for her.

*

I visit my friend tomorrow who is off his medication. He is living in a rooming house. He is suffering from schizophrenia. Last time he would only talk to me whilst waving an iron bar around and saying on more than one occasion that he could punch a whole into someones skull with it.

But we went to school together, and I know that he is an awesome guy, and I'm not giving up that easily, so I'm taking goodies this time. I'll take him tobacco, coke, cereal, banana's, that kind of thing. A care package of sorts.

Anyway, that's the plan. It's going to be 33 degrees tomorrow, with 90% humidity and thunderstorms, so that will be nice.

*

I have a new e-book reader for my articles I am collecting from uni. I have hundreds of them, I've just got to stay awake long enough to read the instructions as to how to use it.

I am still so sleepy.

*

Yeah

2011-11-17T16:00:00.003+11:00

I have many unfinished posts. I can't seem to muster the necessary effort to put them all together. I am in a bit of a day dream at the moment.

I like studying. Even though I say I want a break it gives me an excuse to say no to social invitations. I have now said I will attend to gatherings with two different groups of people this week and next. At bars in the city, which will involve trying my best to act like I'm happy being social for hours on end.

I mean, I can do it, and all. And sometimes I even surprise myself, but sometimes, I get stuck during certain points during the night. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and I'm not funny, or witty and I kind of get a bit down on myself and wish I wasn't there.

These thoughts used to plague me and I would get wasted, however, it's something I kind of sit with and it usually goes okay in the end. The last few times I've been out it's been okay and I've even managed to go along with the energy of the group as the pills start popping and the lines start flowing. My friends are all, whispers and nods at times, and it's only when I notice that a good size of the group has broken into groups, small parties to the bathroom, and have come back, slightly cooler than when they went in. Red eyed but in control, a different sort of character, and those bonds that tie the crew to each other, get thrown, sorted, and weaved within and without the scene, inside, out.

I have my xanax which is something I may use on these nights. I've also picked up some endone which is like morphine, oxycontin, heroin, but this is probably not a going out kind of drug, although it would relax me. I've read that it's not something I should take with anti-depressants as I could get serotonin syndrome, and I haven't been high for almost 2 years, so maybe I should leave it alone. Or give it away.

It's the change of seasons, it's the magnet I have for drugs, it's my anxiety saying I know how you can make things easier, it's my old self saying there's no problem, it's my alter ego saying go on man, just try it, no harm trying. It's a bent logical twisted mentality saying it will take the edge off, it will make you feel better. It's just me i guess, taking the foot of my mental brake.

It's been pressure, but I'm turning my life around, 5 years into my ten year plan. I'm going to have a different life, and while I know I can't drink alcohol my mind has turned to getting high in other ways. I remember for years waking up and getting stoned in the morning, and then starting my day. It wasn't so much getting high, it was the perception shift of reality. Anyway, I'm not overly in a hurry to take the drugs I have, I just think having them in my possession is enough.

*

Since I weed killed a large part of my lawn in my back yard, I have a habit of going out the back each day and looking for new regrowth of these areas. It is becoming quite cathartic, and it makes me feel better about life that slowly, it is growing back

On other grass news, I am now mowing the front nature strip lawn, my next door neighbours garden, and my back garden. I need a ride on mower;o) Too much grass. One day this will not be the case. I refuse to mow as much in my future, somehow, hopefully.

*

I went to the doctors and the dentists today. I stayed up late, I think not able to sleep. A came out at one stage, and said I should go to bed soon, and could I have a shower before coming to bed. I woke up on the couch.

*

The President of the United States was here today, in our parliament time. I watched his address in full while in the dentist waiting room. It seems that they want to move thousands of Americans here each year to practice blowing things up. I'm sure America will subsidise our army for the privilege. It's all rather questionable, but people don't get to vote on stuff like this. Elected governments are voted in and we are told that America is our friend and ally. I don't mind this rhetoric as such, I just get sick of being told that the choices other people make are my choices, like I have one.

The supermarkets in Australia are huge multinationals. They are swallowing cottage industries, local industries, in their wake, our money is going overseas, Aldi. Cheap imports are being bought by our largest 2 supermarkets, Coles and Safeways, which then brand their products and sell them for cheap. Milk is being sold at $2 for 2 liters. It makes my head swim to think that this is good for anyone other than consumers, and in the long run, we will pay.

Fruit trees are getting ripped out of the ground, farms are closing, the big 2 supermarkets control the food industries, strangle the profits, and import cheap products, buying local Australian companies in their profit grab, to control the market, for the shareholders, on the back of a high Australian dollar. The government needs to regulate against, Coles, Safeway, Costco, and Aldi.

I'm lucky, in that we have a very good IGA supermarket, and a local independent near me. I spend more on my groceries than I need to, I shop local, buy local, screw the large companies and there bargains. At whose expense. My grief, I'm a leftie, shoosh...

*

I have soccer tonight and I have a new hamstring brace. It's really good and now I think that with this new piece of equipment I can begin again, in trying to move around with more confidence.

*

My doctor tapped me on the tummy to point out that I needed to lose weight, he is always doing this kind of thing to me, except this time, I tapped his tummy back, it threw him, he didn't expect it. Two grown men tapping each others tummy's. Really, kind of weird.

*

Tired

2011-11-16T09:06:00.003+11:00

Really tired. I can't believe how much I've slept since I've finished study. I am laying on the couch under a doona as i type right now.

just so tired.

A has finished her exam yesterday. We are both now free of uni work. Her mood has lifted. Which is good, because it has been a difficult couple of weeks for her as the exam time got closer.

I spent my week, when I was awake, tidying, cooking, shopping, stuff around the house.

I have been taking 3 different types of magnesium to counter act the sleepiness that antidepressants give me, I really think that has helped me. The naturapath I saw was spot on with that.

I am going to a Japanese restaurant we both like today, after her counseling session. It's good, she's going back. She still cries that she misses her mum. She finds it a chore, but it has helped her.

We booked our third trip of fortune, 550 kilometers away. The place has an indoor pool and gym and the apartment has a spa in it. We are staying for 2 nights.

It also falls on her mothers birthday so it is good that we are away for that. A wants to do something rather than sit at home, so we will go, and that will help, I think.

I think at this rate I am going to sleep until Christmas...

11/11/11 - the day after

2011-11-12T21:07:00.002+11:00

We walked to the top of the street and had pizza. We sat outside. It was comfortable being with each other. A stayed home and studied. I brought her back some ice cream. We watched a movie, ate a lot, and drank a bottle of non alcoholic fizz.

I guess when I first thought of being 40 I had vague ideas of what that would like. Rent a boat, a house, go up to the mountains, something grand.

I knew SH back then but I may not of thought of people to place in plans. I guess it was also the date relevance also. 11/11/11.

Anyhow, it turned out to be a nice day. Did some shopping, tidied the house, and then went out for a pizza. No drugs, no alcohol, no hoo hah.

I think I'm a pretty simple person, with simple needs, I think that's okay. I feel good about how things worked out.

Today

2011-11-11T15:01:00.002+11:00

11/11/11 is my birthday. My 40th.

Except

I was born in England and England is 11 hours behind Australia in time. So even though my passport states 11/11/1971, I will have to wait until 8am tomorrow morning for that date to fall. Making it the 12th of November in Australia.

*

I have bought lots of snacky things and I'm waiting for my friend to arrive. I did some shopping this morning and everyone was so nice. I think they knew it was my birthday. I got on the bus with an expired ticket and no money. It threw me. The bus driver waved me through. Nice.

*

One of my favourite friends was born on my birthday. We send each other a text.

*

It is remembrance day

*

Hope you are all having a good day :o)

stages

2011-11-09T21:48:00.003+11:00

I finished the year of study.

My final exam was this morning, and I had prepared to the letter. It meant some gathering of ideas, some incubating, and then 2 very intense days of study. I think it I went well. I think academically this year I did well. Having a tutor was an obvious advantage.

Last year when I finished the year, I was so strung out I went for a walk down the local train station at 3 in the morning and took photos of the digital clock with me in frame.

There was something really significant last year about getting through the year. I had been sober for 11 months, the longest time of my life. I was in therapy, but really struggling with my anxiety.

Now I feel calmer about everything. Last year I could hardly believe I was passing uni. This year I just want to have a good nights sleep and do a few things I have been putting off.

It's nice being calm.

I've had a challenging year, but it's been good.

I feel more acceptable, more resigned, more resolved, more plod like. Plod, plod, plod, plod, plod, plod, plod.

I like it.

*

A still has her exam hanging over her. I think she is slightly pissed that this has happened, but by this time next week it will be over for her.

My friend is going to come over and stay Friday night. He's going to have to sleep on the couch because we don't have a spare bed, but he says he doesn't mind. I've known him for 30 years. That's a long time ago.

I've said it before, you don't get to choose some people, we never chose each other, but because of location and family we have stayed in contact for that long. We always have loads to talk about. We have spent much time with each others family.

He's on the list for public housing. I hope he gets it. Rent is so expensive, and I don't think he'll work again. Maybe, but maybe not. He's the best he's ever been in many ways since he lost his sight. It's strange how things go sometimes. We're going to go to the local pizza shop at night. He'll use my arm as a guide. We're both really excited about spending this time together. It feels like a big deal. I'm really looking forward to it.

*

So, I expect the tone of this blog to change a bit from now. Things will probably slow down for me, as I enter a slower stage, more reflective.

*

Our third trip of fortune I am going to book tomorrow. It's going to be a few days in the country, this time north of Melbourne. It's more than 1100 kilometres round trip. It would be about 1400 kilometers to go to Adelaide. It will take about 8 hours one way to get there.

We will stay a couple of days only. We've booked for a couple of weeks up the mountain over Christmas, and we have Japan again this coming year, so travel is in the immediate future.

*

I think the thing about taking 30 mg of anti depressants, is the ability to take things in my stride. It would be nice to have this as a personal quality without the drug but once again, I'm not thinking about that now. The drugs are allowing me to cope.

*

patterns in the sand

2011-11-08T16:01:00.002+11:00

I had to post quickly as had an epiphany of sorts. The sort that can only happen in the kind of intensity I am in at the moment. I have set my desk up as a standing desk, like I used to have at work, as I have too much energy to sit down. My final exam is tomorrow and I am cramming.

I just thought that it is unfair that in this society that the little guy often gets trodden on. The marginalised of society. The person that lacks power, control to change themselves from the heady structural weights they are burdened with. Debt, race, sex, age, education, class, whatever.

I am really considering studying a non-social services role in the near future. This is not to set myself up financially, which it will do, this is not to give myself employment options, which it will do. This not because I am scared of working in social services, which I am.

I think I will take this next step so that I can be really sure that what I want to do is work in that field. I will know after a short time whether I am wasting my time with the new venture of information management or not. At that point, I will be able to make an informed decision.

Rather than a gap year, I am going to be having a change of career direction gap year to see if this doesn't ultimately or not get me on the path I thought I would go down sooner or later, whether I choose to admit that to myself or not which at this point I am getting closer to getting all my cards out on the table.

When I was young I said that I would get an education and then not use it by choice as a way to say that in this life it is not important the lessons that you learn in the classroom. I think that what I have learned in the classroom has been invaluable, but whether my career comes through my education or my life comes from sitting in a tree house looking out at the ocean whilst strumming an out of tune guitar remains to be seen.

Emile Durkheim

2011-11-08T13:45:00.002+11:00

Writing the other day about LSD got me thinking, that if a shared experience with a friend whilst on drugs gives me the feeling of calm within chaos and my friend feels that too, then maybe it is not the drug that is enabling me to feel that relationship between the two concepts of chaos and calm but the relationship itself. A collective being in society. The social fact of shared existence.

Seasons

2011-11-07T14:51:00.003+11:00

I lit some incense next to the open window. Pink Floyd playing softly in the background. I can hear the leaves rustle outside. The warm sun is giving the weather that mid twenties feel. Maybe there is something about the changing of the seasons I have not fully appreciated yet in life ;o) Another one of the things, being wasted, kind of numbs one to I think. There is a definite feeling of me wanting to get wasted today. It's hard to explain, and it's not going to happen, but I can feel it. Maybe it's more pronounced because of my new found sensitivity to things, I suppose, loaded up on anti-depressants, are these really my feelings? An existential crisis, I am not allowing myself to really get into now, I can't be bothered, I think, not really though, I dismiss the thought, out of hand.

Where do all those feelings go. I remember walking when stoned, headphones on, one of my favourite things to do. Or being in a house, alone, or with a close friend, stoned, and plenty of beer in the fridge, and a full deck of smokes. A good view on a balcony, and a nice day, like today, and the hours stretched out in front of us.

Everyday I did that, for more than twenty years. Everyday...

Writing about it makes me want to do it less. Kind of...

Ecstasy or acid are two drugs I like. Heroin makes me feel to relaxed, speed too wired, Tripping or e-ing with a friend is fun, or has been in the past. Being loaded with nowhere to go but an afternoon of relaxation and full of getting high with friends is where it's at for me. Conversations about matters of the heart, ecstasy and lsd are good for that, lsd less, but the going into and the coming down, and a shared sense of connectedness you can find from within.

I remember once though, going to a friends house and for more than a week just having speed everyday and not going out and running out of food, which wasn't a huge issue, but just being there staying up for endless time and smoking endless cones and whoa... Just was too much, really, I've been in houses where that's all one seems to do, just get high, not even really communicate... Just get stoned and pass the time.

It'll be two years next month that I've been clean...

The seasons, I think they take me to all kinds of places in my head, but because my head was always getting stoned, it takes me to there a lot. I could take my head up the mountains, in my head, or down the coast, but I just think it would do the same thing.

Timing is everything

2011-11-06T11:47:00.002+11:00

The leg, is somewhat better. It's a grade 1 tear I'm pretty sure. Being overtired means that the muscles can misfire. That's my theory. Muscle relaxant pills would have helped. I should have at least 2-3 weeks rest, but I'm going to play through the injury. This could be a mistake, but I'm pretty careful, I'll take it easy and drop back to defense. Should be okay. I'll go to a sports store and get a thigh support after my exam before this weeks game

*

This last exam is going to be arduous. I still haven't really studied for it. Yesterday, I fluffed around, and today, I watched soccer all morning. There is a thousand word question and two 500 word questions, to answer, that is, not to read. They are from 3 possible weeks we have had. I should be cramming reading, and scribbling notes, and ideas for mini essays, but as yet that hasn't happened. It's Wednesday, 9am, so you'd think I'd be more motivated, but I'm not yet. Mmm... That's only 2 and a half days... That's not that long is it? Mmm...

roundabout

2011-11-05T10:39:00.000+11:00

I tweaked my hamstring at soccer on Thursday. I am disappointed. This could be the sort of injury to end my soccer days. I have to breath calm. I scored 42 goals last season, this season, I have missed 2 games and played 2 games well below par. The last game I subbed off as soon as it happened. I'm going to buy a leg support before next game but the way it feels today, I'm not holding my breath. Downer.

*

When Sophie died, I didn't know about it straight away. I'd lost contact with her. No mobiles, or email, so it wasn't uncommon in those days. It wasn't until I bumped into a friend of hers that I found out. Anyway, I told a few people as a matter of course, you know. But I would say I was in shock, maybe even denial, for a while. I went to births, deaths, and marriages and got her death certificate, made inquiries as to where she was buried, but I guess I kind of floated through with how I was feeling. I did a bit of talking through things with myself in various places. I drank alone every night, so this would invariably come up. But I didn't know how to talk about it out loud. Not to other people.

This was until I started blogging.

So I had held this for a very long time.

I thought I had talked about it, you know, with myself, and that was okay, I had come to terms with her death. So, I didn't talk of her directly, not with anyone, not even with A.

And then out of the blue, without a word, I get a DVD from the folks in the mail. I hadn't spoken to my folks for 6 months or so, so when I saw my mothers writing and the few words written on a post it note stuck to the cover of a dvd, with the words, by the pool, Sophie, bedroom, kicking a tennis ball, I kind of shook my head. After all these years of knowing there was footage of her, somewhere on the video tapes, I now had a copy.

It brought everything to the surface, and slowly I started talking about it on here, slowly at first until now, the version you all have. I don't mean to keep doing it, and it's getting to the point within me, where I feel I can probably change course a little now, but I guess there you have it. Giving up drinking, therapy, going to my high school reunion and finding someone there who was close to her and talking about it, going to her grave this year, finding her family on facebook, talking with A about it, and vocalising it here, has somehow got to where it is.

I think this has helped me come to terms with her death now, better than it ever has, and maybe now I can start to move on. Suicide doesn't answer anything for those left behind, it only leaves more questions. It's hard to deal with because the person you want to talk about it with is no longer here, so you have to work that through yourself. Everybody's experience with grief is different and there is no right way, or time period, and there can be seven steps, or many more, but however it is, it is nice to have people around I think, to take your mind off things, even if it is only for a moment, even if it is only for a time.

Melbourne (Aussie hip hip)

2011-11-05T09:55:00.001+11:00

Listen to this, go on, you want to, you do, really.

For those with a social conscience, and for those without, it caters for both.

Indoor clothes

2011-11-04T21:28:00.003+11:00

Discuss...

In my case, it involves wearing hats, tracksuit pants, old clothes I know longer wear outside, scarfs, sometimes it just gets ridiculous, and sometimes I spend so much time in these outfits I get to liking some of the combinations. Like my pink and purple cloth pants, and My pink and purple tie dye top (Don't ask). But way comfy. There is also a pair of shorts I sometimes put over my pink and purple pants, and a t-shirt on the top half, giving myself an outfit with the bottom half of my arms and legs as pink and purple. Throw one of my wife's wide brim hats on that for an afternoon around the house and garden, and it even has A shaking her head. I think part of my inspiration comes from one of those moments where I look in my cupboard and say out loud, 'Wow... Haven't worn that for ages'. To be quite frank, I kind of like my indoor collection. Sometimes I create something that will make it outdoors, and sometimes I will be outdoors, and think, I don't think I'll wear this one out again. Now I see why. But all in all, I'm not really worried about these small details. I buy shoes I like, but as far as the rest goes, other than buying clothes in Japan, I do most of my shopping at second hand stores. There is nothing better than finding pre-loved clothes. Most of my wardrobe is that label.

Breathe in, breathe out

2011-11-04T00:30:00.002+11:00

Got the essay in on time, as if there was any doubt. Yes there was doubt.

*

So the dog next door to us jumps up when we see her. We pat her, we love her. She has been next door for the whole time we have been here. A year and a half. We have a chair we stand on that is next to the fence and we stand on it and lean over the fence and pat her. The neighbours know we pat her and seem fine with it because every time we see them we tell them and they can see that she waits by the fence, and she has a bark for us. One whoof! She can hear when we are in certain parts of the house and she does it and then we look out the window and make faces at her. Sometimes we give her expensive prosciutto. Well, I do. I don't tell A. Italian and Spanish prosciutto is quite expensive, but it's like Jack Nicholas in As good as it gets, when he has the bacon in his pocket. We hardly ever give her food so that's okay, but plenty of pats, and I do clown things for her tricks from behind the fence. She must think I'm mad. I dance alot and run around in circles like she does, that kind of thing.

She jumped up on the fence and knocked two palings clean off. Almost enough to fit through, but then the man next door fixed it, but we have found another one that has come loose and now we can get on her level and give her pats. A dreams she jumps the fence. Her dream has almost come true. She has helped more than we can ever thank her. We are lucky to have her in our lives.

The past

2011-11-03T10:32:00.002+11:00

I'm back here this morning and generally feeling pretty good about last nights effort. I haven't finished and know that there is plenty of work to do yet before it is a good essay, but it's getting done today and handed in, so for that I'm thankful

*

I have a habit I realise of turning the past memories I have in life in something nicer, or calmer, or prettier, or happier. I haven't been able to do that with my parents yet, but I think even that may happen one day. I wished them both dead at times, secretly. I'm glad that never happened.

My disposition is a strange one I will admit. It's a kind of mixed up muddled up fantasy i somehow created for myself and the friends I invite with me.

When I was younger, in my teens, I asked a male friend that was sleeping on the floor beside me, to hold my hand while I fell asleep. He did, and it felt nice. I fell asleep.

I still know him today, and when I think of him, that's not a thought I have often, hardly at all. I think he would remember but it was such a long time ago, when we were teenagers, and we were all doing strange things back then. Some of the things we did, for me, was trying to be closer. Not sexually, not all the time, quite often, I just wanted to live in moment of someone else.

I used to say things, like, "do you mind if I sit with you a while". I think there were times of complete loneliness, that I felt that no-one would understand me, I was forever, and that I was never, ever, going to leave this loneliness.

I think I got desperate for people at times too.

I think I invent the memories I do sometimes, to replace memories I don't want to understand, or that are too difficult to understand, but more than anything I replace the thoughts of the memories with other ones because underneath it all, that was how I was feeling. That is what I believe. Underneath all of the fighting, and crying, and disagreement, I had with Sophie, I loved her more than the sun.

So, what do you think I am going to remember. I don't even have to try.

*

Depeche Mode / Here is the House - Song plus Lyrics

2011-11-02T14:49:00.002+11:00

Depeche Mode / Here is the House / Lyrics

Here is the house
Where it all happens
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And is it happens
It happens here in this house

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And there's someone
Calling on the telephone
Let's stay home
It's cold outside
And I have so much
To confide to you

With or without words
I'll confide everything

Here is the house
Where it all happens
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And as it happens
It happens here in this house

So we stay at home
And I'm by your side
And you know
What's going on inside
Inside my heart
Inside this house
And I just want to
Let it out for you

And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home
And I feel your warmth
And it feels like home

Here is the house
Where it all happens
Those tender moments
Under this roof
Body and soul come together
As we come closer together
And as it happens
It happens here in this house

Deadline

2011-11-02T09:12:00.001+11:00

I made rough plans yesterday to get somewhere in between 1000 and 1500 words done. That was vague and I stalled here and there. I watched a documentary about a killer that ate his victim in the middle of my studies and really got a bit lost yesterday, but today I awoke with my plan. Yesterday I wrote 800 words. Today I must write 1600 words. That way tomorrow I can write the last 600 words and get it to uni by 4pm and the essay will only be 3 days late. 3.6 marks will be deducted from my score out of 60. That will be acceptable. Plus I can go to soccer that night and know that I have finished 2 subjects and only have 1 exam hanging over me for next week. That will give me 5 days to prepare for my exam worth 40%, which if I use my time wisely will be enough time. Now to use my time wisely today. I hope to get off to a flyer, so will keep the word post updated, and hopefully by the time I go to sleep tonight I am well into the 2000's...

Progressive tally 3000 and the secret to the meaning of life. (scroll down)

2011-11-01T14:54:00.000+11:00

I'll show you progress, Man

Word

100...200...300...400...500...600...700...800...900...1000...1100...1200...1300...1400...1500...

Half way folks, but I think time is against me. I'm struggling, today, but there is still an outside chance I will get this paper in tomorrow. I still haven't given up hope.

1600... (still hope) 1700... (still some hope, although, the caffeine tablets which I've had 2 now, have kicked in. I think they somehow interact with my anti-depressants, and now I'm on my 3rd berocca, and I'm a bit shaky. So maybe, I'm fading, but I think I must continue if I'm any chance of getting this thing done. 11.40pm.

1800...Whoo, I'm heavy breathing, man. Listening to Tricky - Maxinquaye, and then my torso started to itch, and I was was getting that feeling up my spine, that mild rush, and then I realised. I feel kind of trippy. Like "it should be starting to kick in round about now," kind of tripping.

I remember dropping an E years ago, on the way to the pub with a friend and walking into a book store and spending an awful long time in there trying to buy a book that we could both share. Like it was our book, man. That's funny, but it made perfect sense at the time. We found a book, and then bought the book, and then we went out to the pub and got smashed and it was all really funny, and then we stumbled home past the book store, late at night and it was still open and we got our book. I have never borrowed that book, nor for the life of me can I remember what it was about.

I remember dropping LSD and understanding with my friends how the world made perfect sense. It was in the moment with friends that we all sat round saying to each other things like. "Do you get it?", and the other one, smiling knowingly would say "I get it, man. know really, I get it" "it all makes sense" "huh" Then we would both sit around saying how we had to remember this feeling "for always", which sounds like a really long time.

The next morning we would look on the floor for the feelings we had the night before and now in the cold light of morning we would look for them on the floor like we had dropped them, or misplaced them, and sit around drinking cold beer, and smoking billy's in an effort to keep that glow going. And then in the evening the light would dim, and we would switch on the lamp in the kitchen with the orange shade and the yellow walls of the kitchen and the smoke from the billy and the slow moving trip hop would make the sound and the sight of honey glow. Yes... I remember now.

Even though there is chaos in the world inside we are calm. That is the secret of life when your acid is good and the music is better.

1900...
2000...

I have this feeling tonight that I want to put the world problems and people's malaise into a bottle with a ship inside and pop the cork in and float it out to sea.

It bobs and bobs and bobs and bobs and bobs and bobs. (That's like a tongue twister to type). It bobs and bobs and bobs and the bottle is sea bound, and cast in sun, and showered in showers, and stormed in storms, and thrown by the waves, and tossed in the winds, and no-one seas that bottle again.

2100...

Hope springs eternal 1.51am

2200...

I think I may get this done after all 2.23am

2300...

I'm going to get this done, I'm sure of it now. 2.38am

2400...

It seems the later I stay up the more I get done. I've hit what I wanted to hit when I woke up this morning, but I might just go a little further to see if I can squeeze a few more words out tonight. I am starting to get a little tired. Maybe I should head off soon. I've got till 4 o'clock tomorrow and I still have to do the intro and conclusion and it can be as short as 2700 words, so I've pretty much finished I guess.

cool

2500...

That's it, I'm going to bed. I have all day to redraft. I am comfortable with what I have in front of me. I am pleased with my effort today. I wrote 1750 words, which is my personal best effort.

Okay...

Guitar Man

2011-11-01T09:40:00.002+11:00

Home straight

2011-11-01T09:28:00.001+11:00

Today is the first day of November, so I know that in nine days I will finish the semester. Although, I only have to go to uni once more. My classes finished last week.

Everything is always due at once, it seems at uni, and in such short intense stints of time.

I handed in my last piece for Sociology of Emotions last night, so have completed that subject 100%.

It makes me feel a little better, even though I have 48 pages of notes sitting in front of me that I gleaned from 27 articles for my 3000 word essay. I just couldn't stop reading. We were supposed to find 8 articles as a minimum. Ooops...

The essay was due in yesterday. Ooops, again...

I am going to try to write 1500 words a day, but if it only works out to 1000 words a day, it will still be done, I will still pass. 2% I lose a day for the essay grade which is out of 60, so I will lose 4 ish marks marks. It will be a better essay than I could have handed in before, so I'm not going to worry about it.

*

Halloween was yesterday, so I rearranged my study area. I moved from the study which is near the front of the house to the dining room at the back of the house, just in case any kids knocked. This now means I have recreated my study area with a view of the back garden rather than the front garden, which is a nice change.

I have 8 Depeche Mode albums on repeat which is nice also, and has turned out to be the most played study music in the last 2 years, outside of Stars of the Lid - And their Refinement of the Decline, which is by far and away the best music I have ever discovered to listen to while studying ;o)

There have been others of course, I listen to music when I'm studying quite often for 18 hours a day and can study everyday, so I can put in a lot of music time, which is quality time. When I am older I want a hobby I can have where I can listen to music at the same time... BONSAI...

I will be buying one when I finish my study this semester, so looking forward to it. No, seriously, really looking forward to owning a twig in a small clay pot.

*

No kids knocked at our door.

worry

2011-10-31T11:31:00.000+11:00

Little bits of me that are growing into one of the newer versions of me are connected to the older versions of me. I think I have always been a bit concerned that somehow I would lose the essence of me if I took anti-depressants. For the most part that hasn't happened. I have talked of the benefits of the anti-depressants, and there are many. I have said that I am talking in tutorials, and that is true. I have said that the biggest negative is the tiredness I get toward the end of the day, and that is possibly true. I have noticed a subtle shift which isn't so clear, that is more evident though, more recently.

In situations where I feel a deep sense of nervousness they bring me to a more normal form of reality. But in situations where I feel relatively comfortable I have found I may be over shooting the mark and coming of as abrasive. It may not start of as that, but when I reflect back on my behaviour, I think maybe that is the outcome. I mean maybe not, that could just be my interpretation, but still, I am definitely acting out of character. I used to go round apologising for my behaviour and worrying about how others felt all the time.

Now, not so much. I still worry, I just don't take others worry on quite like I used to. Anyway, it's odd, and I'm still not sure which way is right. Emotions can make such a reality of things sometimes. Of course I understand now, more than ever, how much these things are driven by social norms. How I'm supposed to act, how I was programmed. From a young age. I worried about how my mother felt all the time, Oh,I worried for her. My sister worried about me. My dad worried about the ghosts in his closet, My mother worried about what her mother thought of her (Even though she had been dead since my mother was 12).

Maybe, I understand more now than I ever did. Worry can be such a huge part of living, whether the worry is in the past, present, or future. I wonder how much worry is present tense. I mean really, isn't worry some kind of projection? Some people worry, less, some, like me, more. I have been such a good worrier, I made it a craft. I think that's part of the reasons I've tried to escape so much. Escape the worry. That makes me smile for some reason. Escaping. Why is it so important to escape. What is that about?

water

2011-10-30T22:07:00.001+11:00

A understands the way I feel about Sophie. For some reason she seems to be okay with the whole thing. When she saw the home movie of her, she was quite curious. I had talked of her enough.

There is a bitter sweet feeling inside of me. There is a shadow, cast on my wall.

When I turn I sometimes feel her, or see her. Not literally, but in the corners of my mind.

I don't think I will ever lose that.

She is part of my DNA, part of the versions of me I am creating.

She is part of my disguise, my skin, my face, my being.

She will always be in the everything I live in this life.

*

I am now completely excited and caught up in my idea of studying information management. I have limited real interest in being a librarian for the rest of my life. Maybe for a few years, or when I go to England. And maybe later in life, but it's where this idea is going. I can change direction again, I am sure of that. It is a venture, a different tact.

I think I am slightly interested in being someone that I didn't expect to be, although I know that work doesn't define the person, it does give people ideas of thought. That is ultimately what I am interested in, and so for now, I will head in this direction, a veritable swimming with the tide decision.

Not that I need to make the decision now, but one I none the less have committed to in my mind. Once I get this kind of feeling I see no real way out.

When I think of counseling as a trade or social work, I am full of dread. This is partly because I feel this is not the right time for me. When I think of doing information management I think, bring it on.

I am crazy about making logical systems. Our house is rarely tidy, but just under the surface are interlocking ideas of systems that I have created. I am a highly organised creature.

I have anxiety you see.

This course suits my personality.

It isn't what I am interested in, no.

Well yes, but not like I am interested in social welfare, drugs and alcohol, mental health, inequality, marginalisation, homelessness, housing, social democracy.

I have been studying these things for the last 4 years.

I will study it all next year.

No, I have chosen a course that suits how my mind works, not how my heart works.

I will get a complete level of satisfaction from this next stage of my development while I try to figure out which way next after, and how the curiosity I am, to let the waters carry me.

7 Lines - kicking the can

2011-10-29T09:32:00.002+11:00

My plan is for the next 5 years, give or take. That may sound like a long time, but my current plan has been running since 2006 so by the time this plan winds down it will have taken me about 10 years to find my way. When I first started my plan, back in 2006, I was just trying to give up smoking. Also, my life was stuck and I needed change. It was my beginning, again. Plans are funny things, because really, I just know what I want to do tomorrow, the rest will take care of itself. I still try and live in the day. By the time I finish, I won't have to worry about A's future. She will be financially secure. That helps me also, to know that I can worry less about her future, that she will be financially sound. I mean, without her, none of this would have been possible anyway.

J Mac

2011-10-28T19:56:00.001+11:00

Community

2011-10-28T10:24:00.001+11:00

I commando roll out of bed with military precision. Slippers, check.

After making sure the hallway is clear, I make myself a bowl of cereal.

Why rush I think to myself, and slip into a dream about my future.

In my future, I'm working at a library.

I like that.

A is studying part time, we have a car, we are planning our driving trip around the UK. We have bought a cute cottage, with possibly a dog. The garden is a rather large vegetable and fruit garden, where we can eat sustainably all year round. We have an assortment of bonsai. Life is good.

Life is good now but I can see also where I can go with my community idea. Here is the plan. I grow copious amounts of fruit and vegetables, more than I can eat, and join a local fruit and veg coop where others swap fresh produce, thereby hooking into the community I am part of, thereby keeping the links I need to sustain me outside my employment which will keep me mostly cool and refreshed, but indoors.

The idea, of being outside in the elements and exercise is crucial to my well being and whilst being part of a community is something that will be good for me, I think it will also be good for A.

*

A cried herself to sleep last night. I massaged her head until she was asleep. She likes it when I do that. She has stopped counseling for a while.

A's grief is a private grief. A's grief is heavily structured with ritual and rules. Therapeutic forms of grief counseling to cope are not how the Japanese deal with grief. They are left to mourn in private. This is their way, their culture. A sees the benefit in counseling though, it just didn't work out with the last counselor. After her final exam mid November, she will try for counseling again.

*

I need to focus, for this last roll of the dice, for these last few weeks of study.

free hugs

2011-10-27T12:12:00.004+11:00

The big problem for the world... If I touch your heart you immediatley understand me...(edit rewrite 3)

2011-10-27T10:04:00.005+11:00

I have wrestled with this idea of community for the last few days and I think I get why now.

How much do I think about Sophie?

Daily I guess.

Yes, that's true enough, she is a constant.

She died almost 16 years ago now.

This is going to sound daft, but I'm still trying to make sense of this.

That's why I went to her grave earlier this year.

That's why I want to give the footage I have of her to her family. I have the footage from the old home movie now, in full, and it brought up everything again, because it's an extra 10-15 minutes of footage I can't ever remember seeing before. It came in the post this week from the parents.

It's selfish and foolish of me to think I can make sense of these emotions, by living a certain way, I can make sense of her death.

I know that if I help others stay alive, which is flawed thinking in itself, I can make her live again. I know all of this isn't making much sense, but it's difficult to admit out loud. I think it's selfish of me to try and make sense of her, even if it is just for me, because I feel so helpless I somehow could have prevented her death.

I know all this, I just hate admitting it. It's a wrong of me to think I can make sense of someone elses existence. And I think that's what I've been doing since I knew she was gone.

I still sort of think I can do good by her. I'm not really sure how yet, but I know that for the next bit if I think for both of us (which is still the same kind of thinking), I'm better living for me, that that would help both her and me. I need to get on with my life.

I woke up this morning knowing that I have a lot to be thankful for the community that supported me through my dark lit nights. Many people lit a candle, shined a light, and I have much to be thankful for.

I'm lighting my own torch now, and I think I can let go of trying to be someone for others, and I can start being someone for me.

This doesn't mean that I will forget some of my crazier dreams I have in me, I just think I need to take a step sideways and listen to me, for a bit, just a while.

As I used to say for a while when I was a teen, 'a quiet time, a night time'. It was a way for me to express a 'time out' from my surroundings, but still stay connected. And that's my community, where I came from, and sometimes I think that it's good to be part of a community and other times it's good to set your own destination.

The community is where I am from. I'm very proud of my community, and as soon as I'm done studying this semester, I'm going to do trips of it, and I'm going to throw my arms around my friends, like I'm throwing my arms around the world (U2 reference), but I think I'm less confused about why now than I was before.

My community, the people in this town are part of my global connectedness, whether people have lived in the same town or traversed the world. I believe in community more than I believe in the individual and I see it as a guiding light in my journey.

I'm just not sure what to do with that at the moment.

For now then, I need to step back a moment, to see the painting again, from a fresh perspective, through a different lense, from a new angle, through new eyes.

Again.

Stepping sideways sometimes, can be the best way to move forward with life.

Last class

2011-10-26T19:25:00.002+11:00

It was my last lecture, my final tutorial and the last time I see my tutor until next year today. I got my essay back on human rights and cultural relativism and I did better than I expected. It was worth 60% of my total mark. I got 47/60. This means I only need 3/40 in the final exam, more importantly, I only need 23/40 in the final exam to get a B for the subject, which is my aim. The exam is a 1000 word essay and two 500 word pieces.

But all of that is in the future.

Right now I need to write 4000 words in 5 days. I am so tired today, I'm not going to get much done, but I must do as much as possible.

Today, was the first time in the last 12 tutorials I couldn't really give input. I just couldn't do it. I wonder how people do it all the time, speak up, and I realise, that with me I try, whereas with others, it is more natural. Will it ever be that way for me? Probably not.

But what to worry, really, with options in front of me, I have boundless time to feel guilty about an improving lot.

I will try to put that kind of thinking to better use.

*

I have this bee in my bonnet lately, about community. It is nothing I have read, it is something within me, connecting me to where I am, or was, or something.

Having a community is important to me, I think, and yet not.

The circles I used to mix in prescribed the importance of solidarity and comradeship for the togetherness of experience. I was on the front line of that, always with as much time, more sometimes often, than the next.

I needed it, reveled in it, yearned for it.

Now I'm not so sure.

I see the ghosts of my past and I can reach into that with a phone call or a visit, and it is there.

Do I need more community?

Is there more for me there? Is there more for others there? Is that where I am best centered? Is that really how I need to be? Is that what I should be doing?

These questions are vexing and perplexing.

*

If I were a gambling man, I would be putting a few quid on me studying a graduate diploma of information management after my degree. It's a post graduate course that would qualify me to be a librarian, basically.

I realise with my personality and my background I think I would be best placed to do something like that. To begin with, and then see what happens from there.

It's too early I think to be considering social work or counseling. Nice to study, but I don't think it's really my thing.

I think this is more my speed.

In a film Drugstore Cowboy, with Matt Dillon, he walks away from drugs and ends up starting again. From memory. Anyway, he ends up drilling holes for a living in a metal press. I always remembered thinking I understood that.

I remember reading that drug affected soldiers could crack under pressure from stress relating to the drugs affecting the nervous system. That made sense to me.

In fact, over the years I can think of many instances where people who tried to take on too much too soon, could come unstuck or just regress to old coping mechanisms or the like.

My nerves are not that great, I still think about getting bombed (now and again), and I still think that even though I am on anti-depressants and benzos, and they help, I still have to watch myself.

After the life I've had, I don't need more excitement, I want less. I've had my fun in the sun, and now I want to rest a while. I want to feel the sun on my back, and have some porch time, with an ocean view. I want to go for early morning walks with A and take in the beauty of this life.

I think this is more my speed.

no arms, no legs, no worries!

2011-10-25T21:27:00.003+11:00

Going on

2011-10-25T20:57:00.001+11:00

My supposed sense of community is in the friends that I keep, true enough.

Over the years I could say that I've had many positive experiences, on the whole, more than not.

Much of this came about because I didn't want to be home.

It stemmed from there.

My sister, had a similar experience to me, of a sort, except her life moved around more, and most of her support was in the form of boyfriends, and she wore education and career close to who she was and became her own person through striving to be independent, financially and through employment.

I didn't do that.

Not many people I know did do that. Many people she knows did what she did.

Many of my friends are struggling. Some aren't, some are doing well. Some are in sales, some have done well with education. It's becoming a spread of things.

I am getting to a stage in my life where I feel I don't need to make sense of things or justify things. I mean, I probably always will, but I think I want a life where I can feel I am swimming with the tide, and not against it.

I keep thinking that I should be careful with studying interesting things if I end up working in a field that interests me, I might not want to do that.

What I mean is, if I end up studying social work because I am interested in the subject, it may not necessarily mean I want to be a social worker.

This is an interesting development for me.

Interesting study for me, may signal a red light in my career.

As I come to the tail end of my 2nd year this is probably the wrong time to be thinking about all of this, but these thoughts go round my head.

I ended up in so many places in my life through circumstance that having a choice but not really knowing what I want is interesting to me.

I used to think I was special, I don't think that any more. I used to think I had unique qualities, I don't think that any more. I used to think I was different, I'm starting to change my mind on this too. (thanks to medication)

The older I get the more I think I am no different to anybody, not any more talented or skilled. I'm just a regular human, with a regular perspective, and a regular outlook.

I'm somebody that you look at and think nothing, pass in the street and don't notice.

I don't really have too many aspirations at the moment either.

I'd like to get a job, that would be nice. Maybe buy a place, you know, so I could have a bit of a garden. That would be nice.

The thing is, I don't want for much. I'm probably over shooting as it is.

6 days 4000 words

2011-10-25T11:03:00.002+11:00

This is the mission if you choose to accept it.

Not even on my best days will this happen. Now I am just trying to work out, how late they will be.

One 3000 word essay, and a 1000 word report, both of which have a great deal of reading for that I am still to do.

It was probably the wrong time to go away down the coast, but that is not the issue. I still have six days, that should be plenty, if I work, instead of dabble.

I dabble too much.

If this were a paid job, I could get it done.

How can I get myself to believe this is paid employment, and my assessor is my boss, and if I don't get it in on time, my ass will be fired.

I have uni today and tomorrow, and my tutor. I think I will cancel soccer again.

I also need to get food and medication.

Mmmm.....

I need to move it...

Where the hell is Matt?

2011-10-24T18:14:00.004+11:00

This made me smile, I hope it does for you too.

2nd Trip of Fortune

2011-10-24T16:38:00.006+11:00

The narrative of me has me thinking. I think in my video blogs, I kind of felt that I could explain them away, as a way of understanding, where I was up to with my life, from where I had been. As if the narrative of me could be explained in a series of well planned steps, rather than, the regular way I feel I arrive at certain places, which is mostly by a serious of differing events.

I think it would be good to have a narrative of self and I feel very sure I could I could explain one if I have to, but probably the next day, I would end up explaining a different one, and so on. So many reasons for arriving at where we are I think I have difficulty more and more with being able to rationalise this too much.

I mean, I will but, I think it sits uncomfortabley with me too. It's like sometimes I try and fix things in life, like emotional stuff, like I know a mechanic in town, and if you see him you will be okay. I'm not that guy, I don't know that guy, and I can't really explain why I got here. There's always going to be a bit of mystery. That's a good thing for me.

*

Just back from our 400 kilometre round trip down the coast. Our second trip of fortune. Well A's second, my first. It was really nice and I wish we could have stayed longer. Accommodation below, a motor inn, everything in the one room. A and I like that. It turned out to be a warm day and then turned and was cold at night, so we made a fire, and had a spa. It was nice. As it turned out we got the same room we got 7 years ago. No.4. Either of us could work out why we went there the first time, and now we've been there twice.

When we got down the beach no-one was really around. It was late in the day and the weather was starting to turn. Still, we walked along the beach to the pier and sat and listened to the water lap against the pier and the boats that were moored.

An old tree that sat just out of the water as the sea retreated.

A took some photos of me skipping pebbles off the top of the sea. This is my favourite one that she took. I think from my body language I am trying to will the stone. A part of me is guiding the stone to hit on the right angle so it skips. The body is retreating from the throw, but on a slightly different trajectory. I take my skipping of stones as serious as any sport I play always hoping, always wanting, always trying.

I took this on the morning we left. It was raining, and I think really, it's when I like the sea the most. It's kind of fun when it's warm and the idea of a swim is tempting, but when its raining, there's generally less people about and the sounds of the ocean, and the feel. And the spindrift.

A penny for your thoughts

2011-10-22T10:35:00.000+11:00

I collect rocks.

I guess some would call them of pebbles.

It started a few years ago, I picked up a rock when I was holidaying in Tasmania. I also picked up a pine cone that day. I have a few of these too.

There is something about finding, picking up and brushing away the dirt, and feeling it on your fingers, and then putting the rock, or stone, or piece of ancient temple from Angkor Wat in your pocket that makes the little things significant.

Over the years, I've got a few stories like this. The day I was in Scotland and I was overcome with emotion for my life and for the life of Robert Burns, who I had decided to follow, his story, in his foot steps. A strange maze of coincidence around Edinburgh, with a book of his life, as I read his poetry, and went to a writing museum, his old dwellings and other places he frequented. I was in the garden where he met his lover in secret, and I knelt down and put my hand into garden bed and got a large fistful of soil and rubbed it between my two hands as a tear came to my eye. I collected a rock that day.

Sometimes I just move rocks from one place to another, not too far, but most that I find, that I pick up, I bring home and put them on a window sill.

I took a smokey quartz crystal and a pebble from the ocean that Sophie and I went to once when I went to her grave this year and left them there for her.

There is so much that cannot be explained, or written, or photographed, or filmed.

The best moments should be left for the memory, for to explain them without the colors of the heart, the emotion, the feeling it creates for you, there is no way of enacting it in any way.

Sometimes, I just look around, and if I am lucky enough, there will be a pebble.

John and Yoko

2011-10-21T18:41:00.004+11:00

Reflection time

2011-10-21T12:44:00.001+11:00

Just for a short space.

I have always been optimistic. I got this from my gran. I remember when I was young my mother complaining bitterly about the weather, about the cold, about her job, about the way things were, just about everything.

She dropped me at grans house as she used to babysit me, and I walked in and sat down. She was looking outside at the clouds and the intermittent rain and she said to me it was a fine day today. In that moment I had my head turned around. I don't know why it was so profound, it didn't feel profound at the time, more sort of curious. Like a twist in a tale or a story that you were reading, a subtle one, that changes the entire plot. Maybe as a kid you don't get the opportunity to catch moments that often, but I think after that I kind of viewed many things in life like that.

So, I'm generally, relaxed, about how I view the world and people, fair enough. Now

But before,

I worried so, I worried about everything, all the time, even when there was nothing to worry about. I also used to say that when I was on holiday I was at my best because I didn't worry. I now know that is not entirely true either. I lived in worry, and concern, and stress, and it was painful. It hurt, it broke me up, you get the idea.

The anti-depressants have given that a circuit break somehow. I still stress in the moment, and worry like I used to, but not nearly as much. I still have all the same old emotions, but they don't affect me like they used to, somehow. I mean, when I feel I'm going to stress, it doesn't really happen like it used to, and before and after it is calmer also. So, the video posts are part of that freedom I have in my new life. For the fact I do more videos, and I know they are public and I haven't pulled them down, is testament to how I'm feeling.

My anxiety had nothing to do with outlook, or perspective, or positivity, or optimism, which I have a lot of. My anxiety did make me sad, because it was difficult to live with. But my anxiety made me feel unsafe, unlovable, unreachable, unknowable. It made me feel scared and alone. It made me feel unworthy and dumb. It effected my mood.

I still feel many of these emotions, now, true enough, but they don't make my soul shiver and shake. My emotions, my feelings, in my belly attacked my nervous system, attacked my brain, and shut me down, until I was on the ground.

I love my friends, but I even felt scared around most of them. Brothers, I had known for 20 plus years. I knew they loved me, but I just felt scared that I was going to be found out, that they would turn around and say bye-bye. I mean, I kind of knew that wasn't the case, but it was still part of me. Going out with them I enjoyed a lot afterwards but would feel nervous up to that point.

I guess that's why I used drugs and alcohol for so long, sorry brain.

So, yes, I am a different person because of the anti-depressants and I'm getting to know that person, and he is coming out of himself like he never has before, and there is a fear I am coming too far out of myself so will have to be wary of that. For the most part, I just feel calmer, and there has been a few comments here and there from people that know me along these lines.

As a new person I have no idea what I want to do for post graduate study, now. My world has opened up and I think I could possibly do many things. A diploma of librarianship, a grad dip of info systems, a masters of info systems, a grad dip of counseling, a masters of counseling, a masters of social work, and then recently I looked at occupational therapy also.

I really need to decide this Christmas as I'll need to enroll by the middle of next year, but I also think that I need some time off to decide this. Maybe I just need to go back to just selling mobiles for a bit, and just sit on the idea for a while until the ideas come to me. I feel like I'm a peg trying to fit a hole at the moment. I only get one chance really at post grad and I want to make the right decision. So far my study has been great.

I had a dream last night where I told someone that I didn't want to study counseling because I felt that it was too soon, and maybe that's true enough. Hey maybe I just need to go sit on a beach somewhere for 12 months. At this stage anythings a possibility.

bridge to bridge ride - a way home from uni

2011-10-20T18:05:00.001+11:00

Hi, and came home from uni a slightly different way today and discovered this scenic ride below. It's about 7 minutes, so probably a bit boring, (some commentary, and the mic picked up a bit of wind, and my heavy breathing) but the wife liked it, and so I thought I'd post it. Anyways... there's a bridge at the start and at the end.

Led Zeppelin

2011-10-19T21:36:00.006+11:00

I think I prefer writing

2011-10-19T20:01:00.005+11:00

I left my bike locker keys at home today, so had to turn around and get them. That made me late for the lecture, which I crept in ducking down so as trying not to disturb anyone, but because I had stayed up so late I could hardly keep my eyes open.

Afterwards I went to the library, forgot I had booked a room, tried to book one, but had forgotten my wallet, I discovered. The guy recognised me but wanted to ID me anyway, and asked me for my address. Without even really thinking about it, I gave him an address from 1998. As I was saying it, my brain was catching me, but then I completely blanked on my address, because of what I was trying to tell him, brain freeze, and the whole thing only took seconds, but my mind is everywhere.

I ended up writing 1300 words yesterday and then proof reading my essay before submitting it online. I started writing just past 7.30 am and didn't finish until about 11.30 pm so I'm just trying to keep it together.

Needless to say, that I have a new essay plan and plan of attack for this week.

However, A and I are heading down the coast this weekend, which I forgot when I was making my plan for the week. My brain is like on in moments, and then off, and lots of in between moments, I should sleep now, but I'm pushing on instead. I'll go to bed early tonight though, not having another late one.

So, we are off on our second trip of fortune. 200 kilometres away. Our fortune teller said I could go, and A wants me to go. It is a lovely spot, on the coast. I'll be able to go for a swim if its hot. Our room has a fire place if its cold and a spa. I think it will be nice. The timing feels a bit odd, but A was going anyway, and we went there for a holiday in 04' to this spot. We are staying in the same place because we enjoyed ourselves so much last time.

It was 28 degrees today, and tomorrow will be 30 degrees. It's starting to heat up, and it could be warm this summer. We've had one of our coldest and wettest winters for a long time, and as weather goes, I think we've been pretty lucky. Melbourne needs water, Australia needs water, and this year in many parts of the east coast the droughts broke. Some places unfortunately had floods, and there was a nasty cyclone. The west coast hasn't been so lucky for rain and I think moving forward the rains will become less, but I think Melbourne will be okay, because we have just built a mega expensive desalination plant, which is costing everyone heaps. I get concession because I am a student otherwise we would pay more than $100 a quarter for water. It goes up all the time.

Well, I think I'm a bit fried and I think I should do some reading. 3000 words on homelessness coming up. This is a welfare subject on policy which I adore, and so because it's close to my heart, I'm going to give this my best shot.

Speak to you all soon, and I hope you are all well (o;

Post essay glow

2011-10-18T23:49:00.002+11:00

No glow, no time to rest, just like the crest of the wave, riding, riding, still running, or swirling hands, and moving, mostly, just keep moving. Making time, inventing it from somewhere, its trying and a good work out at the same time.

There is a satisfaction of a job well done, and a dread feeling that there is not enough calender time for me to get the next task done. My essay on romantic love, 2500 words is done, two days late, oh well. 2 more essays and an exam left. 13 days to write an article review (1000 words), and a 3000 word essay on homelessness policies in Melbourne, or something. I will look at the questions tomorrow and plan how I'm going to pull this rabbit out of the hat. Then 8 days to study for the exam. I have a headache, it's mid night, I have a busy day at uni tomorrow. I haven't done my readings for my tutorial again, I'm not worried. Well, a little bit, but not much.

I thought about being a librarian again today. I could finish my degree, do a diploma of librarianship and get some work probably somewhere. It would pay the bills and be a pretty relaxing couple of years, and quite a nice change. A could do whatever she wants and then I could apply to do my masters or some post grad schooling when I'm a bit clearer with which direction I want to take. This Christmas I want to decide what I am doing for 2013 as when study is on, I'm more than a little distracted, and we have to go to Japan again next year, and I just know what I'm like. What does this say about me? Today?

I think it says that I'm doing okay, but I should probably go to bed because I have another big day tomorrow, I have to keep my head screwed on tight until the afternoon of November 9 when I can shift my direction again.

7 Lines - study / What is it good for?

2011-10-18T08:20:00.000+11:00

I am now officially 2 days late with an essay. 4% off the total mark. The essay is worth 45%, so that's less than 2% of my overall mark. Oh well. Then I have 2 more essays due by the 31st, and an exam on the 9th of November. Then I will have finished 2nd year. It still feels a long way off, but in reality the next 3 weeks are going to be a bit of a blur. I am looking forward to a break. I am staying focused until then. Last year, 2nd semester I struggled, and the same thing is happening this semester also, but at least my tutorials are fine with me now. Amazing that. I got my essay re-assessed and my grade was changed from a C to a B. Quite remarkable really. I'm a bit stunned, but happy obviously. I think I need all the help I can get at the moment.

relinquishing the anxiety of outcome

2011-10-17T09:55:00.001+11:00

I certainly don't feel like I'm forcing myself in any direction. It is my way, as long as I can remember to flow like a river with life. I have always drifted as much as forced my directions. I guess my latest foray into education is more of a concerted effort to give myself direction though.

There is a change I recognise, more than ever now, in the 6 months since I first started taking anti-depressants that I can feel also. I have let the river take me, and it is only after the spaces of time that some measurements can be assessed. The jumble in my head about the person I am becoming as a result of the medication, and my place in the world I feel, is starting to shift somewhat.

I am not as scared, not as worried, not as fearful, not as consumed by my thoughts, many things. I think this list could be vast. I am coping better, worrying less.

I am still not prepared to say that I am going to relax who I am as I am waiting for the anti-depressants to somehow fail, but if I feel like I do now in a year from now, I can seriously start preparing more for that next stage of my life. I am sitting on this feeling for a while yet, while I complete this stage of my studies.

My point is, I am learning so much, like a new version of me would learn. It is quite something to lose so much of the issue that I carried around before.

And what of it? I hear you say, get to the point. Yes, quite.

My friends are my past, I am my past, I am the worries I carry around.

Now though, it is more like this.

My friends are my friends, I am my present, I am me.

Which is kind of turning into,

I live in the present, I plan for my future, I enjoy the person I am and the life I have, I'd like to have a coffee with a friend every once in a while and enjoy their company also.

Or something along those lines.

It is a life of fortune I have and I will forever get down on my knees and bow down to the ground in front of me, and bless the earth for this opportunity I have been given. I do not take this lightly as such, but see this as a gift that I have been granted leave of my worry.

There is a sense of movement from a disconnection with my past, the elements that held me there, which doesn't see me consciously making the changes, rather the changes are being made regardless. The medication is having a profound effect.

I am changing.

I still don't think I will be able to find a career, or be able to do the work I may study, but I am starting to think that I may be able to find some sort of work, doing something. I think that will happen, eventually.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying the journey. I have always enjoyed the journey, but now more than ever, because of the worry that is absent, joy.

If I could just get this damn essay written, that was due in yesterday... (see, I'm fine with that, that's what I'm talking about, wow, right ;o)

3d - me / video 7 - shaking the past

2011-10-16T13:55:00.001+11:00

In this post I discuss the feelings that have been incubating in me, and the thoughts that have hatched from that. Also, not discussed, but clearly visible in this post, and apologies, but I can't stop playing with objects as I talk. This time coloured pencils.

Community

2011-10-16T10:56:00.002+11:00

When growing up I was rudderless and moved from one high school to another and then back again and stayed down a year as a result of failure and expulsion.

At the time none of this worried me, or gave me too much concern, life had far more important messages for me to decipher than an education.

It was under the chaos of my disintegrating life that I arrived back at my old high school, surrounded by the stigma of a break-in committed by myself of an ex-girlfriends house. The subsequent theft of valuables by myself hanging over me, a group of people out for my blood, other petty crimes of theft and vandalism, my drug and alcohol problems, and a seemingly disregard for anything that wasn't outright delinquent, I was landed into a class with all the other trouble makers from this year level.

I kept my distance of these guys for a while, knowing my reputation, knowing my issues, not knowing them, and kept my own circles of friends going. After a while I started to going to parties they had and before too long they were accepting of me.

This was a difficult pill to swallow. I was putting distance between myself and my peers for my protection, and for theirs.

One night with Sophie I was leaving a party and a friend was coming in from the car to get more alcohol and asked me where I was going. I told him we were going to sleep at the local school which is what we used to do a lot. Both of our parents didn't support our relationship so this was the safest next best option.

He grabbed his keys and gave them to me. His dad wasn't there and he said that we could sleep at his place. I asked him at this point why he would offer me this, doesn't he know that I stole things. He smiled and said. "I trust you". I will never forget that and I have told this story once before on here.

The thing about this action and the reason I write this today and one of the things that means so much to me is my sense of community. These guys that I met through this time, who I went to school with, who I grew up with are still some of my closest friends today. We are like brothers and regardless of my place and what happens to me I will always have those times, I will always have these people. They gave me another chance.

A sense of community is what these guys showed to me, taught me. Rather than other social groups around that time that had been based on self gain, humiliation of others, nastiness, exposing weaknesses, brutality, cruelty, and evil and other groups that were spineless, vacuous, devoid of soul, heartless, disjointed and weak this was something else.

These guys supported each other, cared, protected, helped, loved, looked after, bonded, and were charitable. We were, most of us drug users and addicts, with little in the way of education, or tangible skills, Many had been in trouble with the law, and broke societies rules, got into fights, partied too hard, and all manner of chaos, but we pooled our resources, and our time, and got together most nights of the week in some form. There was always something to do, somewhere to go.

It spread the boundaries of suburbs and grew to fifty plus over the years, having a wild time, with just our immediate friends. We are all still connected and catch up now, not so much for me now as I am studying, but I am still in communication with them and I still see members to keep my feet in the circle.There are still many events that people get together for.

Society is not anonymous to me, I have a sense of identity that is embedded in people's real knowledge of me. Familiar faces make me feel part of a life that is connected. My sense of self comes from the place I share in community with my people, with my crew. I realise that when I go out into the world I have their support to come home to. For years that was enough. I could sit at the pub surrounded by these people and feel like I had nothing to prove to myself.

3d - me / video 6 - future self

2011-10-15T21:41:00.002+11:00

This is the sixth in the distracted series of where I am now, and how I am trying to open up my life. This is also I realise, not just a way for me to open up and free myself, it is also in an effort to shake the drug and alcohol past I had. The factory jobs I felt were the best I could do, or cleaning, or heavy lifting. This is an effort to try and overcome my fear of looking at me and seeing a failure, with nothing to offer.

Old home movies

2011-10-15T21:24:00.001+11:00

I rang my mother and asked her if I could have a copy of the old home movie of Sophie, in full.

I know where her parents are, and her sister.

I will have to think about how I am going to do this, but I think I want to contact someone in the family and give them a copy. I don't think it would be very helpful for me to see them, I think I may contact a multimedia / film company, of some sort and get myself and everyone on the tape erased, leaving just Sophie and her voice. She was 17 at the time. We both were. She hung herself 6 years to the day after the movie was shot.

Whilst photos and memories are one thing, I feel I should give this to them and I know her mum would want it. It's only a few minutes, but you see her smile and her movement and in the 80's this sort of thing was not the norm for many. Maybe this is another reason I am doing the video.

Anyway, as I said, I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this, but at the time we were together, as a couple, they didn't like me, her mum thought I was a bad influence, and she was probably right. Her step dad punched me not long after we got back from running away down the coast. He gave me a black eye. Maybe I should contact him. He can decide how to give the movie to his wife, her sister. He can decide whether it is appropriate. I really don't want to make the decision and will sit on this for a while. I still don't have the CD, so it can incubate for a while.

I have this footage of Sophie that at the time we both didn't want to be part of, because of where we were in our lives, and yet as the days have passed it has come to mean more to me, until a couple of years ago when my mother sent me an edited version of it. It's sat on my shelf for that time and as it sits there, I feel more and more compelled to hand it over to them, as if it's not my property at all. I still feel guilty in some strange way for all the mess our lives unraveled into. A crazy, chaotic deep love, that when it ended I felt I was exploded to the universes. I think we both did. We drifted back into each others arms for years after we broke up.

I still miss her.

3d - me / Tales of Grass and Life - Part 5

2011-10-13T23:15:00.000+11:00

I can't help but feel like I need to start this clip with a beginning like they might have at the start of a documentary, or maybe even a road movie. Although, at a little under 3 minutes (a much more manageable time), a new insight is gained into my ongoing development of gardening skills. I think I'm going to have to work on a strategy to fix this issue once I finish semester.

3d - me / video 4

2011-10-13T10:38:00.002+11:00

Okay, this is the fourth in the series of video blogs. Still in the building process, and still trying to work out where this is going, or what kind of direction I am going with this, or whether there is any true value in it for me. A slightly longer version, that won't usually be the case. A makes a cameo of sorts, a few words, and some laughing. Anyway, I'll try and make them shorter in future not longer. I think 6 minutes is just too much for me.

3d - me / video 3 - understand me, I not U

2011-10-11T22:20:00.001+11:00

In this I kind of say that this is for my purposes more than yours, although i appreciate there being someone there to hear this, although if no-one watches it, I can imagine that you are there and it has the same affect. Also, just with every other piece of communication we have they are culturally shaped, although I got a bit lost in that, so I think I must be getting more used to this.

I am not sure where this is going, but I think I have to do this for a bit, before it runs out of steam, because I feel that it needs to evolve a bit more than it is, and in some way, something is starting to happen with this. I just wish I knew what that was.

Bear with me

3d - me / video 2 - action

2011-10-11T09:07:00.002+11:00

In this video I discuss, not really there yet.

Woke up, rolled out of bed and got what was in my head about the previous video entry out of me. I have a leather band around my neck with a smokey quartz. A and I both wear them. They are there for protection, but because I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror I didn't notice it was outside my shirt until after I had done the video as I hadn't looked at myself. This worried me to the point I thought I should re-shoot, but then I thought, "who am I kidding", this is exactly the kind of thing I am trying to get away from. I want to be more like me, the essence of me, rather than parade around surface / deep acting. The amount of emotional work that I try to do to keep my emotions in check could fill a double deck bus, and then some.

breaking down the walls

This is my first video blog, somehow I stuffed up the order so have had to tack it here.

It was called, hello, donk, donk, donk.

Arrival

2011-10-08T12:37:00.003+11:00

I woke up early, in post essay aura.

I have spent the morning cleaning my study and organising my study and uni work.

I realise that I have let my core work slide. I didn't do anything for my online subject at all, and I missed my anthropology lecture.

There is a slight worry as I work out how much work I have to do, but I can hardly worry too much about that when I have an essay due this Sunday. I'm lucky in many ways that three random subjects have staggered deadlines. Last semester I had 3 essays due in the same week.

My finish date is November 9, just before my birthday. That means I can relax and dust off the Nintendo 64, or maybe just lay in bed and play psp, or build some Lego, or maybe take some photos finally, of the planes in the sky that go over. I have really enjoyed living under a flight path. If I had my way, I'd have them fly lower. Mechanical birds in the sky, it gets me every time. There is something so strange about these flying creatures.

It turns out that A put off her exam, and then the time shifted, and then again, and now she will finish uni the week after me. So, even though she is not studying at the moment, her exam hangs over her from last semester. She needs 46% to pass.

So, now I shift my focus to love. I need to do at least 12 readings for this 2500 word essay. I hope to finish reading that by Sunday (Doubtful). Then I want to plan the essay and have a rough draft by Wednesday when I see my tutor (doubtful). And seeing as we spoke about this last time for 2 hours almost, I think I will go a bit easier on my expectations about what I really want from this therapeutic creative learning time.

There, that's better.

So, work to do dear people.

Still listening to Let England Shake by P.J. Harvey. I think I will be listening to it until the day ticket sales go on sale, just to have an informed decision. MMmmm...

*

I'm so lazy.

I will lean a chair almost on its side rather than get out of my chair and take a single step and grab something. A witnesses my laziness in many forms. My laziness knows no bounds and sometimes I have to be really creative to live like this. Sometimes it will involve much patience as I wait for A to leave the room and then I will casually make a request. She picks up on this sometimes. I kind of get a kick out of being so lazy at times. You know, kind of feel like The Dude. Anyways, I saw a documentary recently when they had a guy on it with a long stick because his TV didn't have a remote control and it got me thinking how I could adapt this idea to my life. MMmmm, I thought to myself. A long stick. Now, there's an idea. That guy is a thinker!!!

Leap Hurdle - Getting the bloody thing in on time

2011-10-08T00:48:00.002+11:00

My essays this semester have been staggered but always a rush. The first one was 6 minutes late to the office but I got it in on time Indiana Jones style, sliding it in under the roller shutter as it was closing. The next one I fared somewhat better and got it in 8 minutes before the cut off date as an online submission.

This time I'm not really sure, but I live in hope. This is what happened. The slightly shorter version than the one I'm playing in my head.

Time ticked down, I spent time trying to work out whether I could get it done and catch a bus. This would be better for A as we could go out for dinner afterwards. Time ticked down and I realised this was not possible so I told A this isn't going to happen, "I'll have to ride in". Time ticked down and the words of my first draft / final draft were merging into the semblance of an essay. Still with the bibliography to do I was running out of time.

The essay had to be in by 4.45pm latest, although last time I got it in by 5.06pm so I thought I was still in with a chance at 4.45pm while trying to put my shoes on, while typing with my nose, and writing my cover sheet at the same time. At 4.50pm I realised I still had my intext referencing to check and then I realised I had to find a reference I had somehow missed in my bibliography. Time was against me, I could feel it. I would lose 2% of my total mark.

At 4.59pm I panicked and thought I should upload my essay to the online plagiarism tool and at least I could show that I got my essay in in some way on time. I uploaded a draft and then spent the next 10 minutes trying to upload the right version, and uploaded another 2 copies.

I wanted to hand my essay in anyway, so changed plans again, and asked A whether she wanted to come to uni anyway. The earliest we could get to uni was about 5.50pm but I thought I just wanted this finished with. Off my hands. I had managed to hand my essays in on time, but this time not, my faith in the "I will beat time" had failed me this time.

As we were leaving I checked what time post offices closed and saw that they all close at 5pm. It was now 5.30pm. We were just about to leave the house, when I said to A. "I'm going to post it". I put it in an envelope, and took it to the post office. We passed post boxes but I wanted to post at the post office.

We got there just before 6 pm. The mail from this post box gets picked up at 6pm for next day delivery. A has watched me beat the deadline one too many times. She was shocked. I was stoked. I slid that puppy into the post box, smiling from ear to ear. "Plenty of time" I said out loud.

A couldn't believe it.What she also couldn't believe was that she had spent time helping me rush around and had watched me break yet again, societies common sense rules and get away with it. She told me that this week I could buy my own bread for sandwiches. Whoa, I thought, I broke her. Hey, hey, hey, its going to be okay. Its all going to work out okay.

This has been building for a few days. The neighbour has really done a number on her, in her head, and she is coping, just. Japan has a very strict common sense logic about rules on the island. I shouldn't do this to her, but not having the same common sense, I have had to learn it. Took me a while, but I'm up to speed, for the most part. Sometimes I still get confused.

The neighbour wants me to mow his lawn, and tried to pay me in chocolate wafer biscuits, which I gave back to him with a note outlining the deal. I would mow his lawn in my time and not his, or he could borrow my mower. The other day he confronted me. "I wanted to ask you yesterday, if you could mow my lawn". "I was going to get you to mow the lawn, it rains tomorrow". I said, "I can't do it at the moment, it's going to have to wait, I'll mow your lawn once I've finished my exams", "you can borrow my mower if you want now". "Now is no good" he said. I'm on my bike late for uni, I'm wanting to leave, he can see that. I say to him "I'm busy". He replies in an angry tone "I'm busy too". I didn't know what to make of that. I told A, I thought it was funny.

A few days later he asks me whether he can park in my drive for a few weeks because he's getting a new car and wants to keep it off the street. My reply, "You can park it where you like, I don't care". He looks at me. "You have to care" he says. "no I don't" I say. Again he says, "You have to care about these things". Again I say, "No I don't, you can park where you like". I tell A, I tell her I am really amused by this guy.

A however, is not amused. She doesn't want me to mow his lawn, she doesn't want him to park in our spot. He did make a big song and dance about it when we moved in, that we couldn't park there even though it was our spot. He has a lot of rules. The Japanese have a lot of rules. I, it would seem, have a different set of rules.

I bumped into his wife the other day and told her. She said, don't worry about him, he's old, he doesn't know what he's saying, do your study, mow the lawn in mid November, fine. All good, spoke to A, still not good, but better.

After we posted my essay we went to a restaurant for yum cha. We talked, we ate, we relaxed, we worked together on a few things she has been learning in therapy. She got to relax, we had a laugh. She drank some port. (which she rarely does). We had a nice time shopping at the market afterwards. She came home in good spirits. We made our hot water bottles together. She drifted off for a pleasant nights sleep.

Some days, I just know, that my life is easier than hers.

*

So, check this bad boy out. How cool is this. I bought it off eBay, from England and it arrived today. How smart is this. It was a piece I always wanted growing up but never could get. Always, just beyond my reach. Now it's mine. Why do I like it so much, I hear you say? Well...

Its mobile, awesome.
It's a satellite station, awesome.
There are 2 space men. They can hang, awesome.
There is a spanner, They can fix stuff, awesomeness
It's like a portable house, Wow, does it get any better?
Yes, look at it. Its just about the perfect piece
Piece 6927, very pleased to own you.
I dare say this will be of amusement to me for a while.

Oh, and at Christmas, I'll be putting my Lego together. A and I are rebuilding it over the holidays. More photos to come.

P.J. Harvey is coming to Australia. I really shouldn't be thinking of going. But how can I not go. She is playing in an old theatre.That in itself says to me it will be amazing. I wish I saw her when she was touring Stories, but Let England Shake is an awesome album, so I don't know. It's a lot of cash, but I'm just in a spending frame of life at the moment.

Up until 18 months ago, I had for the most part saved more than I spent, but now I am just spending. Seems to make sense to my reference place for this time where I am at.

I have too many things to write about, I have to clean my study and prepare for my next essay. The social constructions of love for individuals and society. This will probably be a difficult task, bring it on. Better than cultural relativism and human rights, but wow, interesting. I am buzzed from getting my essay in on time, really, kind of hyper. I will clean tonight and listen to P.J.

I think I must be too tired. I can't sleep because I am writing too much and I'm taking caffeine to stay awake sometimes, last week, and its study. Intense, and then not.

I played my soccer grand final last night, we lost, 6-5. I scored 2 goals only. My Google+ status update summed up my feelings.

"We played, we lost. Not my worst game, not my best. In the end I just couldn't compete. They were too young, too fast, and too aggressive. There are times when you get older, that you just know. Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, the bar eats you."

My friend wrote back,

"Is that some kind of eastern thing?"

"Its a kind of "The Big Lebowski" thing", so I guess it is. I think yes, it feels that way to me. Its the kind of comment that has my mind toking a joint. Saying something like, "Wow man, That's heavy".

So, a trip down this very large post, and I hope you are all well. I really wanted to take more photos, ;o), but I thought that would be enough for now. Wait till Christmas. Now that's something to look forward to.

Bye for now. I have to turn my study back into a study again. I can hardly see my desk for mess.

* Update, the Eastern thing comment is actually the next line in the movie. As I have just been reminded,

THE STRANGER
One a those days, huh. Wal, a wiser
fella than m'self once said, sometimes
you eat the bar and sometimes the
bar, wal, he eats you.

DUDE
(absently)
Uh-huh. That some kind of Eastern
thing?

THE STRANGER
Far from it.

So, as usual, I kind of got my own meaning out of it. I tend to do that. Good movie though, if you haven't seen it, Jeff Bridges is brilliant as The Dude.

Pop

2011-10-06T11:18:00.000+11:00

In the 9 days or so since I have been on my study break I have managed to scribble 16 blog posts down on scrap bits of paper. It's just the way I think now. I think in blog.

*

The first essay of this run is due tomorrow. A 3000 word piece on cultural relativism and human rights and it has been a difficult process trying to squeeze it out of me. I incubated for far too long, and it never was like laying an egg, but more like something else entirely. Too many words, too many thoughts. I can explain in my head what I've learned, but on paper, a far different proposition. I still have a long way to go.

*

I received 73% for my second essay, which was on childhood development. I was delighted with this mark and it has inspired me again. The C mark I got is with my lecturer and we will see. I'm not expecting him to change my mark, but I will be interested with his feedback none the less. I am more disappointed with myself I guess. I studied welfare for 2 years at TAFE and did 2 placements, so consider myself to have a good grasp of the concepts.

*

My grand final is tonight and I currently have my foot in a bucket of hot water. I have gout (it hurts plenty). Quite unbelievable considering I haven't had it for a couple of years. I used to get it when I drank quite a bit, but not having drank for almost 2 years, I thought I was done with that. Plenty of ibuprofen, but I'm not sure I'll be able to play like I usually do. I finished the season on 42 goals in 14 games. 3 goals a game average, so have set myself this target tonight, even though I am in pain. I have only ever scored 4 goals in 2 games against this team, so I am wanting to score 4 goals tonight. 3 goals is an average performance and 2 goals a poor performance.

I like to think of myself as a big game player.

*

The reason I'm posting mainly though, and this particular event happened yesterday, was because I wanted to share my epiphany, courtesy of my tutor that my uni provides for me.

She was teaching me as usual and I was having difficulty that I had only presented her with 2300 words of unedited work. This was playing on me to the point that we discussed this for my time with her rather than the actual essay itself. Funny the way things go. I kind of wish I had have talked about the essay a little more than we did, but the idea of letting situations flow instead of trying to control them to certain places has been a transitory process I have noticed within myself of late. I am more assured that things will work out, that things will go where they need to go anyway.

I could see my behaviour, I could see my issues. I explained in simple terms my phobia of strangers. I told her that I thought it was because of the relationship with my mother as she was unpredictable and used to criticize me. Tell me I was useless and pathetic and would never amount to anything. I had trust in people I knew, no problem, it was just the people I felt I didn't know. I feel I have never really got to know my mother, that she is a stranger to me in many ways. I was feel I was putting my tutor in the class of authority figure and so that classes her as a mystery, because my self esteem is so low I doubt why someone I admire would want to talk to me.

I said at one point that I felt like she was a university lecturer and I felt I had the writing ability of a grade 5 student.

Comments like this did not have her on the back foot, far from it, did she feel sorry for me, not at all. She was trying to remain contained I could tell. I tried to look for the emotions she was feeling and worked through to the point. She was on a different track entirely.

The sessions for her are therapeutic. That was part of the reason she was hired by the equality and disability department, and that is part of the reason we study in the equity and access room. These sessions are meant to be a creative therapeutic learning exchange where we can do anything we want. We can talk about the weather or the weekend or about how we feel. This is my time and she is all professional with this.

Thinking that I have not hit a word count or edited my work is unhelpful to the reasons we are there. I thought she was going to dump me at one point. What I did gauge out of it though and the message I did work out for myself was. "How dare you think on my behalf" or "you have no right to assume you know how I think".

She challenged me, challenged my thinking, and boy it felt good. I love this kind of confrontation. I mean, after the initial shock subsides, and I notice the wound I have put in myself from a second arrow, I see the first arrow has been shot to save me and not hurt me. No first arrow, just an angel doing her work. New awareness.

I have no right to assume I know what others think, think for them, or think on their behalf.

After this, I went to a tutorial I hadn't been to the lecture for, and had only flipped through the readings, got there and talked more than anyone did, got heaps of ideas for my essay and even had a few jokes to throw in. What is happening to me? I still freak out, but I am breaking molds I have cast all over the place.

*

My doctor calls me fat, overweight, I must be doing something wrong, look at me. I go because I like this about him. I am scared of him, I fear his talks he gives me, the diagrams and notes he scribbles on pieces of paper. The lectures he dictates. The rhetoric of prevention rather than cure. In the time that I have known him my life has turned around, and he still ho hums about my progress, doesn't remember much about me, and yet I feel he's got my number. I travel about 2 hours for this experience.

*

Last year I went to the academic skills unit for help on my essay. I felt as though she tore my essay apart. What I felt more though, was that she tore me apart. I was so sensitive to any form of criticism, I was effected badly. Even though we only talked about some words on paper. I rang A after, almost in tears, wanting to run away. It hurt me really bad. I used to hate people looking at my written work for this reason and would only do it if I felt it absolutely necessary.

*

My dad recently said that I had quite hard / tough skin. - Didn't used to / caught off guard by this observation as was not expecting it. (inferred resilience)

*

I mean, I don't know. I know I bang on about being responsible for the emotions I feel, that they are mine, and nobody can make me feel a certain feeling and I'm the one who responds and gives the emotional response but do I now believe it?

Do I believe that I can solve my own emotional problems without the help of others?

Do I think that people all have their issues and normal is what normal does, and really I am as normal as anyone, I just have to work this out for myself?

Reaching out has helped (there is a breathing effect. Sometimes, one thing works, sometimes, another, sometimes else the next time, return, repeat, create, practice).

*

I looked at a chart yesterday in a lecture on mental health and looked at the prevalence of mental health in age groups. It peaks around 30 - 35 years of age and then drops off dramatically. I mean that was certainly true for me. Even though I had symptoms in my life, it was around that time for me, I felt was my crisis time, my tipping point. By around the age of 70-80 most mental health issues for many people have settled.

Age and mental health, interesting.

*

Being on anti-depressants has helped with this process, I know, I would never be asking these questions without these drugs.

Last year I was afraid to receive feed back about an essay. I couldn't read the comments on my essays I get back because they hurt too much, and now.

I mean look at me, I'm challenging and being challenged in ways that would have made my head swim, even 12 months ago.

*

I am so glad I was challenged by my tutor. It was just what I needed. I am most fortunate at times.

*

A couple of days ago, I wrote on my Facebook status, "I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am".

My friend wrote back. "I'm Batman!".

I wrote and said that's how I always viewed him, and he wrote back, "Ha, ha, yeah!!"

So I left it a few days, and then posted on my wall.

"I'm Batman!"

I mean, why not.

If I have no right to think what others, strangers are thinking of me, why can't I be Batman once in a while.

Why not indeed.

*

Study break

2011-09-27T19:30:00.003+10:00

I'll be back in a bit

7 Lines - tutor (thankfully)

2011-09-27T00:39:00.002+10:00

I am writing now a scrambled and mangled post instead of having to think about writing today. I feel like I will never get all my work done, and i'm just thankful that I see my tutor on Wednesday and she can make sense of what it is I'm trying to achieve. I have noticed my reading speed has increased and I am understanding more within myself about what I need to know for this essay, but have such writers block I am starting to freak out badly. I just hope as always, when I need to pull it all together I do. As it stands my head is just swimming with ideas but I can't seem to get anything out of me. I am so daft sometimes when it comes to these sort of things and have confirmed whilst I have been at uni that I am not the smartest of people. I try, but yes, not that clever.

Running for the finals

2011-09-26T14:47:00.001+10:00

I used to get stoned to Pink Floyd, now I run to them.

6 kilometers in 45 minutes (treadmill).

Dedicated to 'Dark Side of the Moon'

I know that I've been going harder at sport the last few weeks because I've got the semi-final in less than 2 weeks. In my mind I feel like this might be one of the last times for me to get a trophy. We are being elevated into the higher league because we will finish second on the ladder. The teams that finished first and third though beat us the last times we played them and have the wood on us.

I think though, in my heart, a fit me, could make a difference. I know that is slightly absurd to think but I want to give myself every opportunity to be at my best before the game. I watched a sports documentary yesterday and it had some great words of wisdom. In it one of the guys said 'There are games you should lose, and there are games that you shouldn't lose.' This has been rattling around in my head, and I'm going to try my best not to get to hyped up for this game, but I'm already working out what I'm going to say to the boys before the game and at half-time.

One is about playing for each other, and the other one is about being bullet-proof and on our day we can beat anyone. We just have to believe. All of these things are highly unlikely and the top team won 15 games straight, never lost a game all season, and are tip-top, but the old dog in me, smells a fight, and when it comes down to it, finals can be different, so maybe it's a bit of dreaming, but maybe, maybe, just maybe, this is my time.

I am such a different person on a sporting field, I think, a very different version of me entirely.

7 Lines - Male / Female

2011-09-26T10:23:00.002+10:00

I have found a few blogs over my time when I look for them that have read in my mind as a male voice. Well, they have sounded like me, like I write, or think. Then after some time I discover the voice that I am reading is female. I once followed a blog for a very long time thinking it was a male voice and thinking the person was very similar to me, other than their sexual preference was male, and then after months I realised the voice was in fact female and not male. I tell A this and she confirms this observation for me. She says that inside I am female, so this is easy for her to comprehend. She says that inside she is male. This is why we make sense as a couple. This is something her fortune teller has also pointed out to her as well. MMmmm, not sure, maybe???

7 Lines - Running

2011-09-25T13:57:00.002+10:00

I ran today on the treadmill in my new Pink-Floyd t-shirt that I bought off eBay. I really think I should stop buying so many things online. I've become quite the shopper. My t-shirt came from Thailand, my new sunglasses I bought off a website in England, and I'm awaiting some sports shoes, shirt and bag from Japan. I'm doing it to feel better about studying, as I'm feeling overwhelmed, although thanks to insights from an observer, I will now be tailoring my purchases more in line with my anxiety, after I buy some 1980's space Lego, to complete my collection from childhood and a new bonsai tree. A and I may even do a class in this pursuit. Her grand father used to keep a garden of bonsai. We live near a large nursery that specialises in just such a thing.

R U OK day - tribute

2011-09-24T10:36:00.000+10:00

Part of the reason I have have a land-line telephone is every few weeks I ring my oldest friend. We went to the same primary school. My parents have a photo of us in the grade 6 soccer team when we were 11. Our parents lived next door to each other for our teen years and into our twenties, we went to the same high school for a day, and knew the same people, we smoked weed together, both loved Pink Floyd and lived together for a while. I was also living with him when he had a drug psychosis, not so much fun. He claimed our whole place was wired and I remember getting up in the roof trying to prove this wasn't the case, lots of dramas. He once dropped 9 trips on a full bottle of bourbon. He used to take so much speed and stay up for so long that I remember watching him fall asleep after having a hit. He ended up locked in a psych ward for a time, and then years of living in rooming houses. A few years ago he had a brain tumor removed and now he's blind all but a fuzzy 20ish% in one eye.

It took him a lot of time to work through things. I remember us as young teenagers living at the foot of the mountains, with a hundred really cool places to hang out and get stoned. We used to take his German shepherd with us and roam the tree covered mountains and find places to go back to, places with views, with air, with space and laugh and plan on getting more weed, and selling it, and smoking the profits, and we used to support each others habits as best as we could. And then late at night we both used to stumble up the street with stupid stories to tell our respective folks and do it again the next night. When he was 15 he got an apprenticeship and the freedom to smoke and drink stepped up a gear. Although we had our own social circles we often had nights with either side meeting the other. We had times apart too. Once he was engaged to be married and his psychosis was another break, and we had other times apart. Our lives have spun in circles, as lives can do, and at times we have spun out, but for some reason, we have always spun back again.

The last time we had a break was in 2004 and it wasn't until about 2008 or something I flicked through the telephone directory and found him and called him. "Guess what's happened to me?", he said. "I'm blind". Not what I expected but as we were talking on the phone the other night, these latest events have led him to turn his life around. He has now shaken himself out of himself as he recovers from the shock, to face challenges that weren't there before. He used to be all at sea with who he was, heading somewhere he says now he wouldn't wish for himself. He was working as a boiler maker, but he wasn't happy and all he was worried about was money. He says it was like a two-dimensional cut-out of himself on remote-control to societies rules, his parents rules, rules he never questioned but acted upon.

Since then he has told me that he would like to get better at maths, and maybe concentrate more of his time on studying engineering. He has just heard that he will receive a small grant to buy a computer and do a course. One of his hobbies are remote control boats (He gets his friend to drive them for him), and he would love to import parts from the states, engines and that, and sell them online.

Having followed this guys life as I have through its twists and turns, I've been able to monitor his progress. One of the things I know about him and his life at the moment is that he is in a good place. He is happier now and more in control of his future on his terms than he has ever been. He is dreaming again of a bright future. His life is interesting and rewarding to him. His smile is back and he has hope in his heart. I'm reminded to say that the next time you see someone who you think may be doing it tough, it may actually be someone who is okay with that fight. My friend has had a few set-backs but he is happier with the direction of his life. More so, than for a long time.

Every few weeks, I spend some time catching up on the phone, and we talk about his plans, and what he bought at the supermarket, and what I got at the markets, and what we've been eating, and we have a chat about his family, and my family and he'll tell me if he's been to the movies and films he's been watching, and I'll tell him uni, and about my worries, and he'll tell me about his. He'll talk about his plans. We'll maybe talk, about how wasted we used to get (Actually, we probably talk a bit about this). Neither of us get high these days.

We're just a couple of old guys hanging out on the street corner like we used to do, watching time go by, and having a few laughs to bide the time.

cursed invocations

2011-09-23T10:19:00.006+10:00

Yesterday, I felt a bit like Crazy Mary in the song sung by Pearl Jam. It's about a woman that lives alone and drinks alone and is alone. I think most of my adult life was filled with feelings like this. Even when I was in a relationship I often felt alone. But as the song said, if you drink enough, you can 'take the bottle drink it down, pass it around.' You can feel numb enough, not to care enough, about how much people hurt you.

One of the other lyrics I love from this song, is when he says, 'if what you fear the most, could meet you half way.'

Yesterday, was a day of 'cursed invocations' (Jim Morrison). In fact the last 2 days or more, I have felt quite lost. The stress of the end of the academic year is starting to hit home and the list of things I need to do to finish my assessments and get this work done is on me and I feel overwhelmed.

Yesterday I wanted to just run away from myself for a bit, but I can't, I don't have the luxury. My cousin not emailing me was effecting my sensibility, and I had my auntie in my head, and my sister, and I couldn't shut things out of my head, and it gets frustrating.

I went to indoor soccer last night feeling stressed, and didn't really feel good. I had a bit of a cold and was run down, but felt I needed a break from study, and just wanted to ring a friend and go and have coffee or something and talk about my feelings, and forget about crappy essay scores, and essays for a while and family, and responsibilities and consequences.

On the way to soccer I told the guy that drives me to soccer all of this and he listened. I don't feel especially close to this guy. I have known him for more than ten years but, I don't know, we're just not that close. But last night, I just talked and rambled, and he just sort of listened or drifted off, it didn't really matter, because it helped. I'm not sure how it helped it just did sort of.

The other thing that helped is our team got offered a free game. So I played 2 games of soccer last night. I've now scored 37 goals in 13 games. I played 3 games this week, but 2 games of soccer back to back and the chat I had with my friend kind of helped I think. I am sore today, as I am always the day after soccer, but today especially. My shoulder hurts from when I landed on it, and also my foot where I git kicked.

On the way home I walked past the shops to my place. I usually avoid the shops but last night I felt like walking past them. My music played in my headphones. I stood outside the bottle shop / off-license. I saw the prices for the alcohol. I saw the brands and my head was flooded with memories. I just stood there, staring, trying to work out what it would feel like to drink. It has been more than 21 months since I last drank, but last night I felt closer than I have done for a while.

I imagined the sensation of drinking, and the feeling I had that I just couldn't escape myself at the moment, and how I wanted to just feel better, to just get a release of some kind, somehow, get out of it. I know alcohol and getting high has worked as a short term re-set / release of the stress I have. I realise that getting bombed works when everything else fails. The longer I stood there the further the story went. The feeling of getting drunk, of the beginning of the sensation, to the feeling of being drunk. Of waking up, and still having to do as much, but this time with a hang-over.

I walked on.

I came home, had a shower, covered myself in Asian ointment for pain, and western creme for sports injuries, chugged a fair few ibuprofen, changed into some comfy clothes and crawled into bed.

I'm sore today, but for some reason I feel the cloud has passed somewhat. I feel a bit of hope back into me today. Maybe that's just it, waiting for the clouds to pass, and watching them closely and being gentle and kind for yourself as much as you can, and eventually, the time will pass, the storm will go. That and playing 3 games of soccer in 5 days.

historical content

2011-09-22T15:20:00.000+10:00

My post yesterday was crap. I liked the story about the grass, I just think it got lost, and if I'm going to draw such a long bow to try and connect a story, maybe I need to completely re-think the task. This is the second day in a row I have commented on a previous post, could be something, probably not, but I do think about what I have written afterwards. Sometimes I am left with trying to work out what I mean, poor you, the buggers that read it, must have no hope. I will try to get better, and get to the point.

*

I got a C, god damn it, for my welfare essay, but my lecturer emailed me to say that he wanted to talk with me about it, as he didn't mark it, he got one of his PHD students to mark it. I told him a couple of things the person who marked it had said, and he told me he wanted me to bring it back, so I'm a bit confused but I am taking my essay back to him for him to read, after he gave it to me today, confused, I am.

*

My sister contacted me and said that S (cousin) had contacted her through LinkedIn, made her one of her connections, so my sister wrote her an email back. Let's see whether she gets a response. I know I am hyper-sensitive to these things so I have to be aware of this for a start.

I ended up writing back to my auntie after she sent me an email last week, saying that I can't say it didn't hurt not hearing from S but that is my problem and not hers.

I think it is easy to get caught up in emotions. I wrote my cousin, laid my life out for her, asked her to contact me and write anything at all, write about her work, or where she lives, or anything, but nothing, she blanked me. So, yes, I was disappointed, I was hurt that she doesn't want to have contact with me, but I have to get on with what I have to get on with.

I'm not even that sure why all this came about. Well, I am, I tried to call my cousin, the other one, the boy, on his birthday, and found that he was back in hospital, and I guess, it all kind of went from there.

My auntie mentioned in her email to me that she will be forever appreciative that I lent her the money to buy her house, maybe to make me feel better for S not replying, I'm not sure. I didn't bring it up. I told her that I felt it was the right thing to do.

Sometimes, in life you get presented with certain choices, and sometimes there isn't an option, there is only an option to follow the heart. I can't say the message is always so clear, but at that time in my life, it was.

Tales of Grass and Life (part 4)

2011-09-21T12:34:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I wrote how my thinking is faulty, in regards to how I feel about A's mums jewellery and A's family. I'm not sure that would be the correct observation. My thinking is wrong, is probably closer, but faulty, no, I'm not so sure. I think I am following my emotional thinking to a place that feels right but I think it would only be faulty if it didn't match the situation. So, I'll stick with wrong. I think this process of writing things out is a way to work out how I feel in this world.

When I was young and growing up, I felt I kept a lot in, even though I felt like I had a lot to say. Blogging has enabled me to get the internal dialogue out of me in ways I couldn't have imagined before. When I grew up I would talk to myself a lot. When I got older this didn't change. Right up till meeting A I would talk to myself. She remembers when I first met her and she would answer me, I would kind of have a chat to myself. MMMmmm, a somewhat reclusive alcoholic stoner, it is what it is...

I guess I consider this writing as an extension of that, but instead of voicing it, I word it.

*

Observations from mowing the lawn this time.

Well, to begin with, it had been months, so some of the weeds were 4 foot plus. Yes, it had been quite a while.

When I cut the grass I don't collect the clippings, I just let them scatter about the place. I had to clean the windows down afterwards. I end up rather green, hence the reason I mowed in my boxers and a t-shirt and sandals. Anyway, what we have discovered this time is the birds have flocked to our garden afterwards. But why, I hear you ask?

The reason is, we think, after careful consideration and participant observation, is that the birds are here for food. They are poking at the ground with their beaks. We realised after a while they were looking for worms. Worms I thought lived underground but I have discovered that because they need oxygen to live they have to come to the surface if their avenues for air is starved. I think my cutting the grass has done just that. By leaving the clippings on top of the ground I have smothered the ground as if by a cut grass blanket, the worms then have come to the surface to get air and the birds have come in to get the worms.

I have created a genocide of the worms.

We watched a worm the other day trying to leg-it across the top of the grass as A and I were trying to get ready. We talked about how we should save it, and took turns banging the window to scare away the birds, pleading for it to disappear under ground as the birds circled in the air. I talked about us setting up a worm farm, and we could collect others, for a time, and then free them later, and got distracted and A went back while brushing her teeth, and told me through foam in a Japanese accent while pointing to the dining room that something, something, something, something. The worm was gone, it didn't make it.

A was upset by this, probably too much, so I had to think fast, and reminded her of a wasp I had just that morning swatted out of mid-air with a coat-hanger. This was at her request, in the lounge-room, something I might add she had thought of at the time as quite impressive, considering it was a plastic coat-hanger and there is a lot of space to miss a target.

Deliberately or not, we can all become part of something larger, and I guess sometimes, we have to decide, whether we choose to be a part of that or not, or whether we really know what we're getting into, to begin with, or even, do we have a choice at all? Sometimes, we are in deep water before we know it, sometimes we are paddling for the sides, and sometimes we are trying to bale the water out and sometimes we just go under for a while and splash around a bit. Sometimes we swim, and sometimes we relax and float.

I think there are lots of ways for lots of these situations to be played out, and sometimes they can be playful and sometimes they can be serious. I think that even though I am more playful now than I have been in a while, I am very aware of how much I still worry.

I know one thing though, when I get a garden of my own, I'm taking the grass out. NO grass...

Maybe...

See how sure I am about that, not, not usually willing to commit, until I commit, and even then...